October 27, Tuesday 2009 rated 5 (In a funk)

I think I definitely am getting sick with something, but the onset must be slow because all I have is a little cough and a small sense of discomfort in my upper trachea.  I was coughing only a little today.  I hope I’m not worse tomorrow.  If so, I’m sure there is a way I can up $36 for my vicodin refill.  We’ll see.

Work was moderately steady today.  I had Athena with me, so we rocked out.  Rita said she had to talk to me about something, sounded negative, but she never got around to it.  I guess if I make my shift tomorrow we’ll find out.

I have begun to notice that my life is moving along in a predictable and steady pace lately.  As nice as that is, I also notice something else quite troubling:  I am not as creative or outgoing as I once was, almost as if I am in a funk.  I seem to have lost the ability to assert myself to other people.  Previously, in life, this was a hallmark ability that I possessed–gone now almost completely, I’m sad to report.  I need to re-gain this if I am to ever succeed in the way that I want to.

Intake: Ø day 5

October 26, Monday 2009 no rating

Went up to Cindy’s today, visited with her and Lennie for a while—helped Cindy go shopping at Aldis and Pick ‘n’ Save.  Her bottle was out, but I took noting—good for me.

Work was slow.  I worked with Jason, once again a great guy.

I took an extra 50 mg of amiltriptlene last night.  It didn’t help me sleep any more soundly, and I felt so dazed today, just way out of it.  Lucky for me this disappeared by the beginning of work.

Once again I feel like I may be getting sick.  Maybe it’s just my mind.  I hope I awake and I feel find, but who knows.  I may have the feared “swine flu”!!  I figure I’m strong and healthy enough to get over most any bug.  We’ll just see.

Intake: Ø day 4

October 23rd, Friday 2009 rated 5 (Naked without Facebook)

Today was average.  I worked, and at work Tess was finally pulled into the office by Rita and given a “ talking to”.  It lasted a really long time, past close, over an hour.  I don’t know why.  Who would have anything to talk about for an over an hour in that place?

Went out with Pat and his girlfriend for a drink after work.  It was so/so as is always the case when I drink.

The big story right now to me is that John f**ked up his computer good.  I can’t access the internet!!  Bastard! It’s just because he has a low IQ and can’t understand the basics of something so complicated as a computer!!

Idiot, I feel naked without my Facebook!!

Intake:  Ø day 1

October 20, Tuesday 2009, rated 4 ( Youth slipping by, inconsequential)

I think I’m finally coming down with a cold.  I’ve missed it the last 2 years, so I figure I’m over-due.

Loneliness is starting to get to me a little.  I wonder when I’ll bump into love again.  No use, sleep, work, a few friends, whatever drugs I can get my hands on.  Another day rolls by, inconsequential, nothing gained, and a little more youth lost every day.

John has been really nice, for how long no one can tell.  Fed me a good burger tonight, what a guy!!

Small steps, small steps…

Intake Ø day 2, smoked

October 19, Monday 2009, rated 5 (Epic battle drags on)

Warm day outside today.  I guess we get our “Indian summer’ in one dose on one day, too bad.  I bet it’ll be cold again tomorrow or in a few days; it’s all downhill from here.

Average day other than that, I’m starting another “off” period for opiates.  This will most likely last for about 10-12 days, unless Joey throws me something tomorrow (He owes me big, but he’s been a scum-bag lately.  I hold out little hope that he’ll ever set me up sans cash).  I’m looking to take a nice long run without the shit; I find that it’s really good for me, for my mind to be away from that shit.  I’m working towards the ultimate goal of being completely off someday soon—it’s been an epic battle, back and forth.  I need to win; I need to come out ahead on this one, for the first time in a long time I think that I can do it, my confidence builds with every multi-day run that I complete.

Some day soon, God willing, someday soon…

Intake Ø day 1

October 18, sunday 2009 rated 5

Today ends a crazy week.  I was using opiates all week, but I managed to only spend about $70 all told out of this last pay-check.  I paid off a chunk of my loan at cash-in-a-flash, and just generally spent my money on bills this week.  I’m quite happy and proud of myself–I exercised some real control over this damn habit, plan now to keep going in this direction taking little steps that lead to bigger things.  First with my money I gotta get that damn pay-day loan paid off.  Then I’m getting my license assessment and getting my damn licence back. After that I’m buying myself off probation, and then getting a car.  After I’ve achieved all that I’ll be moving with Renee to Madison and hopefully get the balls to finish my education.  Almost forgot my trip to Ukraine, that’s in the works still.  I’ve let so much time slip away, it’s unbelievable to me.

I have been doing an awesome job at the restaurant lately, and I am  now the top guy in the kitchen, and I’m going even higher than that.  I’ve found a new energy since breaking my addiction and depression at the end of August.  I’m still using but every week I bring it a little more under control. The anti-depressants really help the whole situation–need to stay up on those for sure.

I don’t know what’s up with April; I hope everyday that I don’t suffer some type of retaliation from her, but if she finds out about me answering questions I’ll be getting some retaliation I’m sure.  I hope the best for her, and myself; I need to get completely clear too.

Intake: 30 mg morphine EV, 50 mg hydroco oral, 7th

Matthew climbing that mountain….

straight day of using*BAD!!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009 rated 5 (trying to beat my own mind)

Regular day today, again.  The weather was really bad all day; super windy and full of rain.  I walked to the food pantry and got me some FOOD!

Work is becoming more stressful because the staff was cut by one guy and we close earlier, so we are doing more work in less time; It’s a challenge.

I felt “well” today, didn’t use a thing.  My mind is however still poling at me, telling me that opiates are the best in life.  It’s terrible.  I have to now bear my own mind.

Intake:  Ø day five