First time I’ve seen snow all year–season. Broke my streak today. April also decided to treat me like garbage o a deal we were doing. That’s really too bad. Intake: Valium, 20 mg. methadone oral
Today was quite odd in so many ways. April finally did it, finally f**ked everything up. She missed work, and Athena and I found her in the parking lot, basically nodding her head out. I thought she had OD’ed she was that f*ked up. Craig was called and showed up with her parents. She was just acting absolutely wild, pissed at me because I took her keys and gave them to ____. I guess Chris broke up with her; good for him as April really needs some help. I think she is a sociopath and maybe nothing will ever work for her, except prison again. Crazy night. I brought this Jake guy over and he split some heroin with me, first time I’ve done that in quite a while. Bad thing. These people are bad news for me.
Intake: Valium, 20 mg. methadone, heroin IV
Tuesday 2009, 20 mg valium, Wednesday 30 mg valium, Thursday smoked and 40 mg valium, Saturday Ø
A great week at home, if not for it being absolutely crazy. I kept sober. I used valium for once or twice a day, and it helped keep me level.
Dick and Mom are now undoubtedly broken. I spent a lot of time with Dick drunk; It’s horrible to see them in this shape. It makes me depressed. I can tell they are both miserable, and really want out–but don’t quite know how to get out.
The kids seemed happy and well-adjusted. The foster child, Mikayla, is quite bright, thoughtful, and polite child–has a lot of potential.
I hated coming back from home today. I didn’t take my TCA (anti-depressant), so I was craving opiates like crazy! The first thing I did was walked to my dealer place. He had nothing, but April sold me half and 80, which I actually snorted, along with smoking a bunch of weed. Oh, before April came over I went to Pat’s (future roommate) and smoked a whole bunch of dope, with the upstairs’ neighbors too. Even got a couple of 40 oz High Life and drank that. The urge to get completely intoxicated was strong after seeing my mom’s husband they way he was. I don’t know why, but I threw 10 full days of sober out the window the minute I got back to Oshkosh. Need to find a better way because this plan of mine just isn’t working.
I totally f**ked my Caprice up by trying to get it out of the forest. Too bad. I almost wanted to keep it, but instead I got $160 from _____. He gave me $140 up front, and the next time I come back to ______ he’ll give me the other $20 and catch me a buzz, great to look forward to.
Didn’t get to see any of my friends. Mom was out of her mind on that one too. (I refused to let him go visit friends. Adamant about this being a ‘home’ trip and not a ‘party’ trip with a place to flop, I laid down the law. I was really good at that…, uhgh. I was really Nazi about the whole trip being about visiting and not re-visiting …. However, I did know full well that a trip home meant a trip back into temptation. I was just so careful not to allow for an easy slide down into the depths. Little did I know he was already deep in the mud. This is probably because I was fighting my own battle with the new husband’s mud. After what he said were years of sobriety ended up being days after the ‘I do’s”. I had my hands full, full of mud. Matt’s mom) Overall, I worked hard, hung out with Dick and the girls mostly. I saw how bad things have gotten with the alcohol and Dick, I saw also that for the most part how they play it off pretty well, still upward mobile; they don’t seem to have money issues at all.
Saw grandma; It was nice but hard to see her loosing her mind.
Today was average, as many of my days are. I ended up trading some valuims for a few methadones, thank God, got me straight for work. Now I’m out of valium, but I have credit with my dealer for Tuesday next.
Stopped at Cindy’s, had a great Biblical conversation with Lennie [Cindy’s husband]. It was quite intense, very nice, we really connected for once in a great while. I really like Lennie, such a nice and good person he is. He just emanates it wherever he goes.
Work went so/so today. I look forward to that concerta! I had to take 5 valiums all told just to get through the night. What a terrible experience.
Talked with Ron on the phone for a bit, that was nice; wow, he really has changed for the better, no drugs, no alcohol, doing quite well, bought a car. I’m happy for him. I hope to see him really soon!!!
Intake: 20 mg methadone, 45 mg diazepam oral
Today was a stereotypical day in almost every way possible, a day I would certainly forget about if it weren’t for my trusty journal! I spent the day sitting at Aunt Cindy’s with a big knot in one muscle in my back, didn’t do much there, tried calling mom to no avail. Haven’t spoken to her in several days, which sucks. Went to work at 4, it went well. I felt melancholic all day today. I figure it’s just dealing with the flood of good memories from hanging w/ Jessie all day yesterday. I really miss home now. I’m really hating my existence in Oshkosh, wish I had some friends or something to do, poor poor pitiful me.
Today marks the one month anniversary of starting this journal. It seems that I made everyday except one–pretty good. I’m happy about it. I love my journal now, and make it a priority to write it everyday before I go to sleep.
On the following page I will tabulate my drug intake for the month.
Intake: 20 mg oxyco, oral, 400 mg propox oral
Drug intake: July 13–Aug 13
oxyco oral: 275 mg–free
oxyco IV: 160 mg–$160.00
morphine IV: 600 mg–$300.00
hydroco oral: 850 mg–$65.00
valium: 50 mg–$5.00
propox: 1000 mg–free
# of days I smoked: 11–$20.00 (? maybe)
# of “sober” days in month: 3
methadone and klonopin are negligible–$10.00
So, here I can see my intake for the first time on a monthly basis. I have extrapolated the costs from memory and current prices for the stuff where I get it, for instance, I’m going to remember the $160 I spent on 40’s because it stung. Now, I don’t think that it’s possible that I spent $560, but I believe it reasonable to assume that out-of-pocket for me was about $500 this mouth, out of around $850 total income–so, what I don’t pay in rent goes into my blood-stream. That’s so sad. The oral oxies are all from Cindy, 27 of them, quite a bit.
I NEED TO CUT THIS OUT!!
If you look at how happy Matt was in that picture, being around close family members at the dinner table, and then you look at Matt deep into his drug addiction relapse, you can give yourself a reality check on the value of getting clean and staying there. However, the voice in an addict’s head is like a very small megaphone repeating lies: just this once (once as in 10 years at a time?), I deserve it as I have been good for so long (so, being good means that you deserve to be miserable again?), I will quit tomorrow (didn’t you say that yesterday?), life without drugs is boring (true, making all those connections is very entertaining), I can’t have fun without drugs (true, handcuffs, getting AIDS, always broke, almost dying in deep nods, and all those quality friends… how does the tune go? memories…May be beautiful and yet, What’s too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget), no one will know (the coroner will tell them), and everyone’s favorite–I would be miserable for days trying to get off them (how many days of misery equals how many days of being in control of your life?).
I am rooting for everyone out there who can still read these words in hopes that you will gain some strength, knowledge, and hope for yourself and others.
Today was a fairly boring and average day. I went to cash in a flash and rolled both of my loans, all because I needed the extra money for dope; Kelly gave me a ride. We then went to the park, walked out to the point with Chad, smoked some MJ, just me anyways, and then I walked Nevada street home, a long ways in 85° heat!!
Work was alright, it went smoothly. April gave me a ride home and tried feeding me some shit about not being hooked up very well–bullshit, it’s all part of the junkie’s game. She’s been just fine, probably better than me! Her lose when the valiums come in.
Elly’s car was broken into in the restaurant’s parking lot, passenger window smashed, purse stolen–just like what happened to Ana about a month ago. I guess they have a serial burglar on their hands, kinda scary because this happened during day light hours!!
Tess switched shifts with me, and now my plans with Jessie are a lock for Wednesday, great!
Intake: Ø day one, smoked
Wow! What an awesome and amazing day in every way possible. It started with me waking up to the sight and sound of wonderful rain, which we haven’t had it seems in weeks! A____ stopped by, ready for her interview with the old dentist. We shared a 15 mg shot of morphine, and the found out that doc was sick today, so we decided to make our own fun. We went to A____’s house and scored some really good weed from her dad’s bag. We drove around and got really high; it was so much fun, a really psychedelic experience–I loved every minute. I went shopping with her and then we hooked up with J____ and scored 90 mg. I shot her with 45 of it and she got a really good rush; she turned completely red, like she had a sun-burn. I shot my 45 after she left and just sunk into a semiconscious euphoria driven by the weed but softened by the incredible hit of morphine I had. The time went so quickly, before I knew it I was at work, which was also awesome. I was treated so well by M___H and the rest of management. They re-did the schedule, and I got all of R____’s hours! He’s f**king gone, and I’m GLAD…that I never have to see his mean, ugly ass ever again at work. I feel so much happier at work just because he’s gone now. I don’t have to deal with his immature, hateful, lazy, lying, stupid personality anymore! I’m going to try and assume his role in the kitchen, move up that ladder in short fashion. I think it’s possible, but I’m holding my breath because I can never quite tell what management is thinking or doing. I know I can run that kitchen a thousand times better than R____ ever could. I’m glad he’s gone now.
I got home from work and scored another 60 mg, got a really good rush, but now I’m into J____ for $100; that’s way too much, but I’m sure I can deal it down with valium, I hope anyways. I have all day off tomorrow. I think I may be able to chill with A____ again, maybe smoke a little more. Going to shoot some more morphine for sure, but I have to kick my habit down soon, for R____, for myself.
Intake: smoked great weed, 120 mg morphine IV
( So that you can keep the initials straight, J___ is his dealer and A____ is the dealer’s girlfriend. R____ in the last sentence is a girl Matt knew since middle school, not the coworker he ranted about above. He was very good friends with her. She’s not a user of drugs. They always did have a bit of romantic attraction but seem to always be involved with someone else during the other’s single status. Just so strange as the two really made a great match. I would say that out of everyone in Matt’s entire life R____ was the steadiest true friend. In the end, he moved to be closer to her. She made the last weeks of his life the best weeks of his life, truly.
As for Matt’s good-day journal posts like this one, they always remind me of Coleridge’s Kubla Khan or Keat’s La Belle Dame Sans Merci because the pleasure is just a trap, a trap he willingly enters. Doubling pain and disillusionment always follows the exuberant pleasure in time. Keat’s poem follows:
O WHAT can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
Alone and palely loitering?
The sedge has wither’d from the lake,
And no birds sing.
O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms!
So haggard and so woe-begone?
The squirrel’s granary is full,
And the harvest’s done.
lily on thy brow
With anguish moist and fever dew,
And on thy cheeks a fading rose
Fast withereth too.
I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful—a faery’s child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.
I made a garland for her head,
And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;
She look’d at me as she did love,
And made sweet moan.
I set her on my pacing steed,
And nothing else saw all day long,
For sidelong would she bend, and sing
A faery’s song.
She found me roots of relish sweet,
honey wild, and manna dew,
And sure in language strange she said—
“I love thee true.”
she took me to her elfin grot,
And there she wept, and sigh’d fill sore,
And there I shut her wild wild eyes
With kisses four.
And there she lulled me asleep,
And there I dream’d—Ah! woe betide!
The latest dream I ever dream’d
On the cold hill’s side.
I saw pale kings and princes too,
Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
They cried—“La Belle Dame sans Merci
Hath thee in thrall!”
I saw their starved lips in the gloam,
With horrid warning gaped wide,
And I awoke and found me here,
On the cold hill’s side.
And this is why I sojourn here,
Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sedge is wither’d from the lake,
And no birds sing.