October 22, Thursday 2009, rated 5.5 (I wish I had taken care…, decay all over the place)

I broke my streak of sober today, scrambled up $20 from Don and bought 45 mg of morphine.  Too bad, it was an awful waste of money, as is always the case.

Work was short, 3 hours, and of course Tess was being worthless as always.  I finally brought my case before Elta, and she totally agreed with me.  I think the problem will be handled in short order, if not I think that Tess will be in danger of loosing her job, at least I hope she loses it.  She is just about as worthless as a cook as anything else.

I notice that my teeth are beginning to cavity and decay all over the place.  I need to see a dentist for some very serious work soon if I hope to ep them past age 30.  I really wish I had taken better care of them.  I’m beginning to become quite self-conscious about them.  I think they have kept me out of the love game to some extent.  I regret wasting and not taking better care of them.  I sure do now, but I think it may be too late to do anything about them.

Intake:  45 mg morphine IV SHIT!!!!! NO !!!!!

Day 1 tomorrow, Please……

 

October 18, sunday 2009 rated 5

Today ends a crazy week.  I was using opiates all week, but I managed to only spend about $70 all told out of this last pay-check.  I paid off a chunk of my loan at cash-in-a-flash, and just generally spent my money on bills this week.  I’m quite happy and proud of myself–I exercised some real control over this damn habit, plan now to keep going in this direction taking little steps that lead to bigger things.  First with my money I gotta get that damn pay-day loan paid off.  Then I’m getting my license assessment and getting my damn licence back. After that I’m buying myself off probation, and then getting a car.  After I’ve achieved all that I’ll be moving with Renee to Madison and hopefully get the balls to finish my education.  Almost forgot my trip to Ukraine, that’s in the works still.  I’ve let so much time slip away, it’s unbelievable to me.

I have been doing an awesome job at the restaurant lately, and I am  now the top guy in the kitchen, and I’m going even higher than that.  I’ve found a new energy since breaking my addiction and depression at the end of August.  I’m still using but every week I bring it a little more under control. The anti-depressants really help the whole situation–need to stay up on those for sure.

I don’t know what’s up with April; I hope everyday that I don’t suffer some type of retaliation from her, but if she finds out about me answering questions I’ll be getting some retaliation I’m sure.  I hope the best for her, and myself; I need to get completely clear too.

Intake: 30 mg morphine EV, 50 mg hydroco oral, 7th

Matthew climbing that mountain….

straight day of using*BAD!!!

Sept 20/21/22, 2009 Sunday to Tuesday rated 4 (Spared no expense to get high, hit the ground hard)

 

I have been completely out of control these last few days with all of the drugs; I have spared no expense, just started shooting everything in sight from oxies to morphine to methadone… I missed work for the first time ever today because I was ” sick”, actually just too high to make my shift.  I really hit bottom hard this time.Intake morphine, OC methadone, smoked

Sept. 22, Tuesday 2009

April is falling apart too, showed up at my place again just f**ked up and out of her mind.  I got pretty f**ked up too.  I’ve been depressed and have just hit the ground so hard this time around——–Free fall.

Intake:  oxyco IV, suboxone, somoked

August 10, Monday, 2009 rated 6.5 (traded vikes for morphine)

Peaceful and beautiful day outside today.  Got the vikes filled, now I only have two fills left.  Thought I would’ve had five, but they caught the mistake.  I rode to Morton’s Parm with Baldwin, gave up ten tabs just because I’m a nice guy!  He didn’t believe they were actually vikes, but I’m sure he does now!  Spent the balance of the day before work just moping around, getting high, but only lightly.  I can never get real messed up on those vikes.  Traded ten for a morphine, which helped a little.

Work was alright.  Karl is a little asshole, but whatever, he’ll self-destruct I’m sure, I hope anyways.  Lisa was mngt, and she sucks, so that’s how that goes.

Tomorrow I’ll hang with Jessie!  So excited about that!  I so wonder how that will go.

I struck up a conversation with Becky on FB last night.  It was interesting.  We decided to hang out sometime soon.  I feel slightly romantically inclined towards her; it would be wonderful to maybe get some action with her! not to mention a real relationship.

Intake:  30 mg morphine IV, 10 mg hydroco oral

(This is a picture of Matt age 12 with baby sister. When I read the journal posts he made, I can’t really see the older Matt different than the younger one; they are the same. But, something happened between this sweet pic of him and sissy, and him and trading vikes for morphine. Dear God, how did this happen? The shift was so fast, established, unforeseen. Therefore, it must have been there already, in this picture too. It must have. I just didn’t see it.

If you look at those eyes, that smile, the clean house, the soccer games, the hikes in the mountains, the motorcycle rides, the pine-derby cars, the church camps with horses, the mountain tops climbed, the desert camping, the what-the-hell-ever-normalville life we lived, and look deep, you would have to look through a DNA test. How could I fight it? His biological father died at age 45 (?) of alcholism, well the report said heart attack. But, he was in a motel room alone, being kicked out by current wife, and visited the emergency room regularly for various alcohol related system failures. However, Matt only saw the man several times in his life. He did write Matt letters though, beautiful letters, full of imagery, voice, symbolism, and hope. Matt naturally wrote and spoke well himself, even though he was a minimal student–not very motivated by grades but very motivated to learn. I can see that in this picture of Matt–well spoken. Got that from dad. Too bad he got the ‘Sleeping Beauty prick of the needle’ gene too. Can’t see it here, but it is. It’s in those beautifully deep eyes that feel too much, see too much, care too much.

… sorry, had something in my eye, snivel.

Okay, back to typing my thoughts: This I know for certain–God came for the weak, the broken, and the willing. When reading the scriptures (usually during church service as it is so very boring that I read instead) I see Jesus shunning the powerful and well-established people and hanging with people a lot like Matt. I bet Him and Matt are having a grand time right now. I also bet He led Matt to write these journals just to show people that “As you did to one of the least of these my brothers, you did to me [Matthew 25:40].”

Matt’s mom)

August 9, Sunday 2009 rated 7 (parenting, spending, Jesus)

Today was a really wonderful day off–urgh! my nice pen won’t work! [blue ink went to black here] It started with me walking to Kelly’s this morning, smoked and got lightly buzzed.  From there I went to Joey’s house to check the situation.  Unfortunately for my self-control, I skimmed 40 more dollars from my rent and my only $20 from food just so I could get high;  My drug bill this week stands at $220!!  Now I will be paying $220 for rent next week, plus be way back in my loan payments.  My next check is gone almost–out of about $400, $280 is gone just to rent and rolling my loan, plus it’s morphine time, so next week I can forget about food again.  This is so sad.  I’m thinking of taking a “drug vacation” in order to get that damn loan paid.  Then maybe I can get out of this hole a little more, feel better about my situation for sure.  September is the time, while I still have vicodin coming in and hours, I should do it.  In fact, after I get done with my journal tonight I’m going to look at the calender and formulate a master plan!

Anyways, I was hanging with Kelly and Chad [her grandson] was over.  I feel bad for that kid.  He’s spoiled f**king rotten by Kelly, and it seems to me (just perception, I could be wrong) that Sharon [Kelly’s daughter] let’s him do whatever the f**k he wants to.  His father seems to be quite the asshole, and Chad rebels against him probably because the two women (knowing or unknowing) fill his head with shit about his guy.  I saw Chad tell his father:  “You’re not my daddy anymore,” to which his dad got pretty pissed, slowly chased him down, and probably gave him a swat and a few choice words.  I can see why Chad doesn’t like him–watching this guy (Cody is his name?) play with Chad I could see he was totally detached, just no desire whatsoever to spend ‘my’ time with this little brat, which he is.  But, at the same time no-one wants to change this kid for the better.  Kelly lives vicariously through him, and justifies the damage she does to him by saying, “I spend hardly any time with him, so what if he’s spoiled a bit with me, that’s what I have the right to do.”

That’s what my gramma said too, and although I love my grandmother with un-dying intensity, I do believe that perhaps the way she treated me had something to do with me becoming a drug user later in life.  I had no discipline with her, and I expected quick rewards and gratification, just like I do now.  I can see the same thing happening with Chad, just no firm direction, a really broken-up and convoluted family situation with people shipping him here and there when it’s one grown-ups “turn” to “fulfill” whatever responsibility they have to this accidental human being.

Such is life in America there days. No-one really cares about people in the way they should.  They don’t take pains to raise them to be balanced and principled adults. My mother tried so hard, and I think that she succeeded with me on several levels, but it is my own fault that I throw it away on a daily basis with the drugs–I think Chad will inevitably become a drug addict, probably fail at academia, and then go looking for a factory job when he turns 18, by which time none will exist.

Kelly’s whole family is really twisted.  Sharon is fairly okay because she was raised by Cindy.  I guess Kelly didn’t raise any of her own children.  She seems to avoid any real responsiblity by living off of several (3) different men.  Her life consists of jetting off to this place and that, Iowa, Madison, Rhinelander, Oshkosh, to make birthdays, parties, whatever.  She doesn’t work at all, but in each place she visits she has a male benefactor that puts up with her.  Here in Oshkosh is Dave, a really nice guy, factory worker all his life–Kelly hardly sees him; when she is around they don’t even sleep in the same room, but for some reason he pays all of her bills, buys her gas, MJ, pricey organic food, and all he gets? Well, she criticizes him and his lifestyle all the time, talks down about hin in general, but his money and his home keep her there.  She drives a nice newer car that “Derick” all but completely purchased for her. Derick is her “boyfriend” in Madison.  She really never sees him–he is such a complete asshole, full of himself, millionaire–pretty worthless.  I can’t imagine any real woman putting up with him, but Kelly can! for the money of course.  She also has a boyfriend all the way in Iowa, where she spends a majority of her time.  I’ve never met this one, but it seems like maybe this is the guy she is truly romantic with, and I hear he is violent and crazy, wow, great for her!

I’m writing a lot about Kelly, mostly because her personality and what she does makes me a little sick.  The very worst part is that Kelly is one of the most self-righteous and hypocritical people I know.  She is terribly judgemental, and has gotten quite fierce and heavy-handed with me on several occasions, which just pisses me right off.  She hasn’t for a while, so everything I am writing today is true feelings, not motivated by anything emotional, just simply observation and logic.  I hang with Kell because she can be fun in a superficial type way, she always gets me high (one of my main motivations for even putting up with her at all), and I suppose in this way I am using her. Now I am the hypocrite!  Not really, but a little.  I strive to be better connected to her, but her mind is so twisted, her convictions and her opinions are so incredibly ignorant, a product I think of a simpler mind, and a deeply damaged persona.  As I mentioned in last Thursday’s entry, she lives her life in fear of just about anything that kills, especially bacteria.  She also eats organic food and takes tons of supplements completely out of fear.  Her decision making part of her personality is quite easily swayed by 300 word newspaper articles and Michael Moore “documentaries” (hehe, yeah right).  She takes everything at face value, never ever bothering to fully investigate anything or even to think deeply for any span of time.  These things bother me, but not enough to actually dislike her, I like all types of people, ignorance will not exclude anyone from my circle.  I just don’t like being judged by her because it’s so insane coming from her.  She should feel bad for bringing that Damn Shawna into our lives.  We found out later that Kell was having a lesbian relationship with her, but that whole situation just shows how incredibly clouded Kelly’s mind is, how foolish and weak she is.  I wonder how much longer we will have that contact?  I really wonder if at some point her house of cards will tumble down.  She has many good qualities–she is kind and giving, pretty also, especially for a woman of 50 years old, but in my mind she will not change, unless she finds Jesus, she is way too old to change at this point.

John also got back from his trip.  Went to Wisconsin Dells for four days to celebrate his 32nd birthday with his girlfriend.  She ended up breaking up with him.  He insists that he did nothing wrong, but then again he never sees when he does something wrong.  He is always correct in his mind.  In fact, a lot of the difficulties I have with him arise from him trying to apply his “correctness” to me, or situations I may be (even distantly) related to.  He is a pretty selfish guy naturally.  He sees none of his flaws, but he’s been living by himself for several years with no real way of gaining feedback on any of his actions.  I certainly don’t, not my place.  I try my best to be friends with him, but his natural self-centeredness always sabotages any type of friendship we may have developed.

Not that his girlfriend is any better.  I didn’t know her too well, but she definitely exhibited a unique “fat girl” type of personality.  Loud and opinionated, she was nice to me, cordial anyways, but I didn’t care for her.  They had a pretty healthy physical relationship, which I was audio-witness to on many a late night! Gross!

Anyways, John is all broken up, says he’s going to mope for “years” alone.  He pouts like a damn child who hasn’t gotten its way, this too is really sickening to me. I can feel now that he may be passively taking out his frustrations on me for the next few weeks. The way things look now, I am starting to think more about moving out, leaving this damn guy to his lonely, self-centered self.

God, deep down I just feel really badly for all the people I’ve written about tonight.  If I were the praying type I suppose I would pray for them, maybe I will tonight.  Pray that God lifts their afflictions from them, heals them and brings them to the gates of heaven.  I hope I can turn things around and one day be with those I love in Heaven above, deep inside it’s what I really want–to be good in Jesus’ eyes, to be whole and strive for the right things in this short life we all live.

Well, that’s it! My longest entry yet! I really love this journal.

Intake:  120 mg morphine IV, smoked

July 25, Sat., 2009

Walking through the jungle, age 7. Who knew that he would be walking through a more dangerous jungle at age 24.

 

A____ stopped over yet again this morning, this time just so I could fix her up.  I clipped 15 mg from her without her even knowing, so that worked out nicely.  Went to work, it was one of the busiest days I’ve ever worked so far at the flats.  Things kinda broke down there for a while.  They really have no clue as to what the f*** is gong on there, at all it seems.  It was a bad night also because A____ kinda got a little cold about helpin me out with the whole drug business; I had to limp over to J____’s and beg for a 30 mg with the last $8 I have to my name. Good thing it worked out and I staved off the sickness for a little longer.  But, tomorrow I really have not options left except dope sick.  I don’t think I have any more avenues left to my disposal; I’m broke, and now I wonder if A____ is gonna come thru with some suboxone [I couldn’t figure this word out, so if you know let me know and I will fix it, Matt’s mom.] help.  Maybe it’s better in the long run if she doesn’t; I need to kick down–or off for that matter.  It would be amazing freedom if I could just get off, get away from all this shit.  This worry about being physically sick is just the worst.  My tracks from the last week are starting to really show. I need off this shit, fast.

Intake: 45 mg morphine IV

(If you are following Matt’s journals you are maybe starting to see how very much he wanted to be free. So often in passing conversations with those who are confronted with addicts I hear their condemnation and monkey court verdicts; they really don’t realize how very much the addicts want to be free. Yes, they hold on to their addictions, and putting someone in a rehab is something like trying to force a cat in a toilet bowl–claws out and terrified. However, as I read Matt’s journals for the first time after his death, I realized how very trapped and hopeless he felt. How many others right this moment are feeling the same–trapped, worried, frightened?  Matt’s mom)

July 24, Friday, 2009

Hung out with A_____ again today, went on the stereotypical “pill hunt” early this afternoon, and couldn’t score.  A_____ gets sick after only 20 hours or so, her habit is way bad.  She’s going to crash here, just like me, but can she handle it? Ended up scoring after work, that was nice, but for the first time in 2 years I have quite noticeable track marks on my right arm, which will certainly prevent me from selling any plasma for the next few weeks, or until I can quit shooting long enough for them to heal. F***.

Saw E____ at work tonight.  She was nice, but her typical weird coldness was in full effect.  I highly doubt that anymore “sexy time” will occur with her, which kinda sucks.  She is pretty hot, but she obviously isn’t into me, and I see it.

This other girl, N_____, has gotten my attention at work lately.  She is young for me, only 18, but after checking her Facebook page thoroughly I have discovered that she is quite wise past her years, mature in her tastes and experiences..  I get the feeling at work that she is attracted to me … and am to her in the slightest way.  I hesitate because she is so very young.  My prediction is that we will spend time together this week.  I could see a future with her, quite intelligent.

Intake: 75 mg morphine IV