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First time I’ve seen snow all year–season. Broke my streak today. April also decided to treat me like garbage o a deal we were doing. That’s really too bad. Intake: Valium, 20 mg. methadone oral
Today was quite odd in so many ways. April finally did it, finally f**ked everything up. She missed work, and Athena and I found her in the parking lot, basically nodding her head out. I thought she had OD’ed she was that f*ked up. Craig was called and showed up with her parents. She was just acting absolutely wild, pissed at me because I took her keys and gave them to ____. I guess Chris broke up with her; good for him as April really needs some help. I think she is a sociopath and maybe nothing will ever work for her, except prison again. Crazy night. I brought this Jake guy over and he split some heroin with me, first time I’ve done that in quite a while. Bad thing. These people are bad news for me.
Intake: Valium, 20 mg. methadone, heroin IV
I have been completely out of control these last few days with all of the drugs; I have spared no expense, just started shooting everything in sight from oxies to morphine to methadone… I missed work for the first time ever today because I was ” sick”, actually just too high to make my shift. I really hit bottom hard this time.Intake morphine, OC methadone, smoked
Sept. 22, Tuesday 2009
April is falling apart too, showed up at my place again just f**ked up and out of her mind. I got pretty f**ked up too. I’ve been depressed and have just hit the ground so hard this time around——–Free fall.
Intake: oxyco IV, suboxone, somoked
Today marks the end of my work week, kinda. I have the day off tomorrow, and then it’s back to work for the weekend. I think I may have just enough narcotics to get one last good buzz tomorrow That methadone really did f**k my tolerance up! After tomorrow I’ll be dope sick, and I think that this will be “the big one” because I have no money, my prospects being dry anyways, and Cindy has started to guard her bottle a lot better. It’s always zipped up or locked away now. So, that avenue is gone. I may just be sick for a whole week, or I could try to finally conquer this damn thing, do something with this life.
I looked at a new apartment today with this gay guy Kyle as a roomie. He seems nice, albeit VERY gay! I hope I get it, but I doubt that I will. They’re checking C-cap (online criminal history) for this one, as always in this situation: I’m F**ked!
I’ve been keeping up with Pela since December (Matt’s big-time love from Poland). She’s doing well, and it makes me so sad that I can’t be with her. That is the one thing that I really regret in my life so far–messing that up with her. She was great for me, and I believe that if I had been straight when I went to visit her that I would still be with her today. If I was straight in general that is, kept straight anyways. She was writing to me tonight that she is about to embark on a month-long trip through Europe with her new love, spending most of her time about a desperate longing feeling… I see everyone around me doing so well, going places, doing things I long to do, and then I see myself; it just drives me deeper into my hole of depression. Why won’t I snap out of this? Am I really bound to my father’s blood, father’s ways? I always thought I could be better than him, but so far it isn’t shaping up. I’ve almost given up. I’m ALMOST suicidal. Things are just terrible lately.
Intake: 60 mg hydroco, 20 mg oxyco, oral*
*I’m way up, both in my per day and length of use. I’m going to be getting really sick after tomorrow, I just know it, dread it.
(Matt didn’t know his father very well, only seeing the man a handful of times in his life. This man died in his forties of alcoholism though. I remember putting Matt on the plane to go meet him as an older child (He barely remembered him from his toddler meeting). The whole family welcomed Matt and stayed in touch ever after, even though he was only 12 at the time and not very able to email–Facebook was not even created at that point. Being a very outgoing child, Matt did stay in touch with the whole clan, a very nice one at that.
One very interesting point of this visit with his father was about addiction at its core; this man actually gave his son a cigarette ‘just so he could try one’. Matt told me this years later as Matt also was trying to understand why his dad would do that. Why would he do that? Why?
Addicts want others to also be addicted for comfort as birds of a feather flock together.
Addicts want others to feel comfortable and believe that others must not be comfortable without those same addictions.
Addicts cannot relate to anyone who has not also experienced the addictive substance, and in an effort to relate, Matt’s dad was asking his son to be more like him.
Well, after that Matt did start smoking cigarettes, slowly, but the door was open as his own DNA link had given him the impetus. I am wondering how much nature really plays in addiction. He certainly did not experience the nurture side of it. However, he did grow up without a father. Growing up without that positive male model, Matt was prone to an unstable self-image. He just didn’t have someone to model, someone to emulate as a man.
As for Pela, Matt’s poems are all for her, all. His heart also led him to Poland for a month in an attempt to reunite with her, though she had a relationship in progress. Now that takes balls in my estimation. Well, maybe not balls, maybe just true love. Matt wanted to be with her even though she was hanging on another man’s arm.
She was quite graceful inviting Matt and touring him through the country at that time. Matt and I toured Europe ourselves when he was younger. This trip was accompanied by a monkey though. Surprisingly, Matt saved enough money to go and hang out in Europe for a month even considering his opiate bill. However, morphine was not only legal it was cheap in Poland. Matt pretty much toured as though walking through opium wisps and fields of poppies. The trip ended well, the tour was pleasant, but the result was final. Pela was cemented at friend status, and Matt was crushed. She had her lover and Matt his–opioids.
She and I still communicate today though. She did love Matt deeply. She just decided that she would not be able to have a stable and healthy relationship with both Matt and opiates. His heart was divided. I am certain that all who have affairs of the heart when deeply in love with another end up in the same predicament. Just can’t have your pill bottle full and swallow them too.
Today was a good day. Becca came down from Green Bay to spend a few hours here. That was a lot of fun; we talked a lot, but didn’t really connect on a romantic level as i would’ve hoped. She is a beautiful girl, and I was hoping that I may have been able to make some love with her. But, I didn’t press anything–and nothing happened. I feel awkward anyways around women when it comes to initiating sex, always have been. They usually have to press on me first, and those ones are usually the crazy whores anyways. Whatever, it’ll happen for me someday!!
The other big story of the day is that I’m actively searching for a new room, and I like what I see as far as Craigslist goes–it looks like where ever I go that I will be saving money, and I think that if Joh isn’t a dick about giving me sept. rent back that by this time next week, I may be penning this from a new location with a roommate that I may actually like!! John is just outrageous in his horribleness–selfish, hateful, obtuse, a liar, and a hypocrite. I’ve tried so hard to be a good friend to him, but it just hasn’t been any use. He is determined to be alone and hateful. I guess he just decides that he wants to continue to live this lonely existence, taking out his insecurities on me or anyone else around him, but no longer on me! I have had nothing but bad people experiences since I’ve been in Oshkosh; it seems that people are bent on being unhappy and unfriendly in this place. I can hardly stand it any longer!! I need not only to move out of this house, but of of this town!
I’ve been hitting that damn methadone pretty hard lately. F**ked up my entire tolerance! Tonight I’m trying a cocktail of methadone, percocet, and vicodin just to see if it works to overcome the methadone tolerance I’ve already had. I would like methadone if it was the only thing that I had access to, but if I try to get off on anything else then it’s all f**ked; that’s why I don’t like it. Plus, it’s hard to come off of. I hear the AS (Abstinence Syndrome) is more severe with methadone. I guess I’ll find out.
Intake: 25 mg hydroco, 60 mg oxyco, 20 mg methadone, oral
(Junkies…lost in trying to find their way out. I can hear it so precisely here as Matt did not want to take methadone, did not want to lose himself in the drugs, and did want to just feel normal.
Anyone out there understand what Matt was writing? I thought methadone was a government program designed to help addicts get free. However, from what my son wrote here, he and others believe that it is very difficult to kick, more so than the original addiction it was designed to replace.
Maybe that is it. As a true critic of government programs, I am concerned that this program is like welfare. Welfare is quite the money machine in actuality. Just think of all the jobs it produces for government employees. Just think of all the souls who have been convinced that the government is their father, brother, savior, and caretaker. Just think about their votes. Would any government addict even consider casting a vote for someone who might put them in a position of control, in a position of adult responsibility, in a position of fear without the fine nectar of the Lotus Eaters? Is methadone what Odysseus was fed? Is it really that difficult to gather the troops, hop in the ship, and sail on to the real battle at hand–life?
Not informed as to how much this program spends and how many addicts are able to kick the habit, I may be musing in error. However, I call upon my muses out there to sing the truth.
Wow, really bad day today. Since the beginning of summer my roommate/ landlord John has just become more of an ass, more of a control freak, more of a hypocrite each day–it’s to the point where I’ve just been out-right avoiding this guy whenever possible. I’ve spent a lot of alone time im my room lately. Anyways, I’ve come to the point where I’m tired of being treated like shit for no reason by this guy. I get treated like I’m his guest instead fo a paying resident of this house. He walks all over me, and I have just been letting it happen because I hate any confrontation, but everyone has their limits! Today I was accused of using his shaving cream, which I didn’t, and I finally stood up for myself, just let him have the full brunt of my defense, and it caught him off-guard, and he got really pissed and told me I should find another place to live, at which point I retreated a little (I shouldn’t have; I should’ve been ready). We proceeded to get into quite the argument/discussion about how things go around here/ At some point I brought up the fact that this guy smokes in his room after outlawing smoking n the house, AND telling me that I couldn’t even smoke in MY room. Now that caught him off guard, and he realized that he had been exposed as not only a hypocrite, but also as a bold-faced liar! He knew it too. He felt bad at begin caught ,not that he did it, just being caught. He is such an idiot though. I saw the ash tray through the open door in his room. He tried accusing me again: How did you know I was smoking in my room unless you were in there? I told him, but I should have said “Idiot” at the end. He’s always accusing me of stupid shit. After realizing what the loss of $320 would mean to his bottom line he backed off ever so slightly, but the damage has been f**king done! I’m out of this F**ker as soon as I can find a new situation! In fact, I would ideally like to find a place sometime in the next 8 days, move all of my stuff out secretly, and then come Sept. 1 tell him to com e up with a refund of my damn $320!!!
I have to do something, I won’t be here passed Oct 1 unless he comes up with a pretty damn slick apology and a commitment to treat me with some respect, realistically though I should probably just get out despite what he may or may not do. He’s always been a real negative asshole type guy. I’m tired of having to tip-toe around this place avoiding his horrible negative energy–it’s tiring. I really have met few people as foolish, lazy, hypocritical, and mean-spirited as this guy is. He is just a real waste of a human-being, a nobody who treats everyone around him with absolute contempt. I think I’m out of here!
Intake: 50 mg methadone, oral
Today was normal again, neither bad nor good. It was cold outside for August, a definite sign fall is on its way. I have recently realized that my roommate John is severely depressed and that’s why I think he is super dick-head about everything. Just now his dog, Hunter, scratched on my door wanting into my room! THat NEVER happens, even his damn dog, which he’s owned for about a decade, doesn’t want to be around him–the dog was actually happy when I got home today. This REALLY surprised me, the dog can feel the energy, and it’s negative! I wonder if John will snap out of this or what will happen.
Work is going a lot better. I’m starting to get respect from the rest of the staff, as well as respect from above for my hard work. The only one that has yet to fall into line is Tess–Mac told me he spoke to her yesterday and told her that I was the boss now. We’ll see what she does next.
I have yet to get the percocet Cindy owes me, that’ll be a trip! She’s more of a hypocrite by the day!
Intake: 45 mg methadone, oral