Remember when we couldn’t talk about ‘certain’ topics: br**st cancer, homos**uality, relig**n? Well, lately I have been talking about a sickness that has to do with the search for love and meaning. After I saw all the guys wearing the pink breast support T-shirts, everyone now has a rainbow on their bumpers, and my afterlife philosophy is based on love not judgement, I decided to start talking openly about addiction. I don’t clear the room anymore.
I still do get those sad eyes and uncomfortably long periods of silence while others are thinking. Then, the one old stoner guy in the crowd opens up and everyone joins in.
People want to talk about their losses, fears, and questions. Too long our culture languished in polite, super short conversations about addicts, which only meant someone else’s kid (who was a rotten degenerate) and a chart of statistics on poor people. Addicts’ lives were too real and immediate for anyone to really understand the relationships, the relief, and the reality associated with an addiction. Now everyone knows an addict, is an addict, or lost an addict. We are everywhere, and they can no longer hide us in caskets devoted to a singular tragedy.
Finally, Helen is Reddy and roaring, but the tune is “I am addiction hear me roar in numbers too big to ignore, and I know too much to go back and pretend.” They can’t ignore our losses, and they are startint to ask us to be a part of the conversation. At some point addicts and their loved ones need to speak up, but many are still afraid to tell the truth. They can’t always find someone who understands, and many still are hiding the truth due to the reactions. Just like Helen Reddy’s hit single, we want this single to hit the charts and change the reaction to our engendered group. Addicts and their loved ones are under-respected, and the stereotype needs to get rewritten to include who we are, what we are, and why we are.
Sit awhile and talk with Matt Edwards. He died at age 25, but he is still talking. Please join your voice to Matt’s and show the world that addicts are worth loving, understanding, and saving by putting a few dollars toward getting this film to production. We need to change the conversation to include us, the addicts and the ones who love them.
I was in a sour mood all night at work; didn’t really say anything to anybody all night long. People were dressed up, and everyone had plans to go out and party somewhere. I came home, smoked a bowl and listened to music by myself–went to bed early. Hell of a night. I could have gone out and done something with Pat. I hadn’t the motivation to do so.
I take these breaks every two weeks or so, breaks from my antidepressants. I really notice the depression creep back in, especially if I’m smoking weed. I go off of it because if I partied my vicodin with my TCA, I wouldn’t be able to wake up in the mornings!!! I’ve thankfully been able to reserve myself to just my vikes this week and only $36 cost–half of last paycheck’s total. I’m just itching to go to Ukraine and do something worth bragging about. I have a plan and now I am moving more steadily towards it. I need to be proud of who I am once again, need to be worthy once again of a woman’s love.
Intake: 3(50 mg hydroco oral, smoked)
Today was a bad, bad, bad day. I found out today that I would not be able to move to Franklin St. with the two young people I met. I am very bummed out, spent the day with Kelly, smoked, and felt shitty. This is the worst news I’ve had in a long time. I feel terrible about it. I feel like I’ve done something to bring this along–I’ve been pretty bad with the drugs since returning to Oshkosh, so I’m depressed. I’ve started 100 mg. Amitriptelenyne with 10 mg. Lexapro just to see if anything helps.
Intake: ø day 3, alcohol
I have been completely out of control these last few days with all of the drugs; I have spared no expense, just started shooting everything in sight from oxies to morphine to methadone… I missed work for the first time ever today because I was ” sick”, actually just too high to make my shift. I really hit bottom hard this time.Intake morphine, OC methadone, smoked
Sept. 22, Tuesday 2009
April is falling apart too, showed up at my place again just f**ked up and out of her mind. I got pretty f**ked up too. I’ve been depressed and have just hit the ground so hard this time around——–Free fall.
Intake: oxyco IV, suboxone, somoked
Another day, another dollar. I’m broke now, after my wonderful little drug-run of the last few days. Feel shitty about that still. Whatever, it’s over now, and I have been shown quite severely what my mind will make me do to myself from time to time. Can’t happen again.
Otherwise the day was average. I slept like 12 hours; drink+antidepressants will do that to a person. I started the amiltryptelene again, depression was creeping in again today. I know this time at least the medication will help with that. I have enough to last the next 2 weeks at least. After that I’ll be getting some more; just hope I can do a good long run without any narcs–get back on track.
I’ll be home in 4 days time, can’t wait.
Intake: Ø thank God, day 1