October 31, Halloween, Saturday 2009 rated 4.75

I was in a sour mood all night at work; didn’t really say anything to anybody all night long.  People were dressed up, and everyone had plans to go out and party somewhere.  I came home, smoked a bowl and listened to music by myself–went to bed early.  Hell of a night.  I could have gone out and done something with Pat. I hadn’t the motivation to do so.

I take these breaks every two weeks or so, breaks from my antidepressants.  I really notice the depression creep back in, especially if I’m smoking weed.  I go off of it because if I partied my vicodin with my TCA, I wouldn’t be able to wake up  in the mornings!!! I’ve thankfully been able to reserve myself to just my vikes this week and only $36 cost–half of last paycheck’s total.  I’m just itching to go to Ukraine and do something worth bragging about.  I have a plan and now I am moving more steadily towards it.  I need to  be proud of who I am once again, need to be worthy once again of a woman’s love.

Intake: 3(50 mg hydroco oral, smoked)

October 30, Friday 2009 rated 7+, communicate compel comprehension (4 yr anniversary IV use)

A great day today.  Irina called me from the Ukraine.  Any day she calls me is a good day.  We spoke for over an hour, just catching up.  She has a new boyfriend now, someone she thinks she is in love with.  She is going on a business trip to Dubai!! Amazing.  I miss her so much, and I feel great to know that she likes me enough to keep up with me. I MUST gain a second job and buy a damn ticket to see her soon!  She told me on the phone that she would be more than willing to help Renee out upon her arrival in Kyiu.  Great!

Work was busy. Tess (that miserable B**ch) left after only an hour because she was “sick”.  Sounds off-hand like some bullshit to me, but I really should just put all of that out of my mind, think neutral and nothing about her.  Athena is a trooper; she was off the side of the kitchen throwing up into a can at one point, and she never even thought of asking to go home. Some people know how to work; some people just don’t get it.

Traded Athena some vikes for a few bowls—the stuff is amazing, one of the best I’ve ever smoked.  One hit really does it.

I once again have the thought in my head of pulling completely out of trouble, get that second job and go to the Ukraine!!!

Intake: 2(50 mg hydroco oral, smoked great weed)

*Today also marks the 4 year anniversary of me beginning my journey into IV drug use.

October 20, Tuesday 2009, rated 4 ( Youth slipping by, inconsequential)

I think I’m finally coming down with a cold.  I’ve missed it the last 2 years, so I figure I’m over-due.

Loneliness is starting to get to me a little.  I wonder when I’ll bump into love again.  No use, sleep, work, a few friends, whatever drugs I can get my hands on.  Another day rolls by, inconsequential, nothing gained, and a little more youth lost every day.

John has been really nice, for how long no one can tell.  Fed me a good burger tonight, what a guy!!

Small steps, small steps…

Intake Ø day 2, smoked

October 4, Sunday 2009, rated 5 (Slipped on Thurs., feeling I’m getting better but smoking and drinking more)

I have been bad about keeping up with my journal; I need to refocus and get back to my entries.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately; hasn’t amounted to much in the way of action, but i will soon change that I hope.

The last few days have been okay.  I’s getting colder out, but I find myself almost looking forward to the rest of October.  I used opiates on Thursday (payday, 40 mg Oc IV) and for that I’m not happy.  I had 8 whole days of sober and messed it up!  Now I have 3, but it went by so quickly, maybe that means I’m getting better?  I’ve been smoking a lot more marijuana lately, and my drinking has increased a bit.  I really just need to cut all of this out.

Renee is in Poland, thinks she may just visit Pripyat and Chernobyl.  Talk about jealous!!

Intake:  Ø day 3, smoked

Sept. 15 thru 19, Home visit rated 7.5 overall (home at last to find a drunk, and I worked a lot)

Intake:

Tuesday 2009, 20 mg valium, Wednesday 30 mg valium, Thursday smoked and 40 mg valium, Saturday Ø

A great week at home, if not for it being absolutely crazy.  I kept sober.  I used valium for once or twice  a day, and it helped keep me level.

Dick and Mom are now undoubtedly broken.  I spent a lot of time with Dick drunk; It’s horrible to see them in this shape.  It makes me depressed.  I can tell they are both miserable, and really want out–but don’t quite know how to get out.

The kids seemed happy and well-adjusted.  The foster child, Mikayla, is quite bright, thoughtful, and polite child–has a lot of potential.

I hated coming back from home today. I didn’t take my TCA (anti-depressant), so I was craving opiates like crazy!  The first thing I did was walked to my dealer place.  He had nothing, but April sold me half and 80, which I actually snorted, along with smoking a bunch of weed.  Oh, before April came over I went to Pat’s (future roommate) and smoked a whole bunch of dope, with the upstairs’ neighbors too.  Even got a couple of 40 oz High Life and drank that.  The urge to get completely intoxicated was strong after seeing my mom’s husband they way he was.  I don’t know why, but I threw 10 full days of sober out the window the minute I got back to Oshkosh.  Need to find a better way because this plan of mine just isn’t working.

I totally f**ked my Caprice up by trying to get it out of the forest.  Too bad.  I almost wanted to keep it, but instead I got $160 from _____.  He gave me $140 up front, and the next time I come back to ______ he’ll give me the other $20 and catch me a buzz, great to look forward to.

Didn’t get to see any of my friends.  Mom was out of her mind on that one too. (I refused to let him go visit friends. Adamant about this being a ‘home’ trip and not a ‘party’ trip with a place to flop, I laid down the law. I was really good at that…, uhgh.  I was really Nazi about the whole trip being about visiting and not re-visiting …. However, I did know full well that a trip home meant a trip back into temptation. I was just so careful not to allow for an easy slide down into the depths. Little did I know he was already deep in the mud. This is probably because I was fighting my own battle with the new husband’s mud. After what he said were years of sobriety ended up being days after the ‘I do’s”. I had my hands full, full of mud. Matt’s mom) Overall, I worked hard, hung out with Dick and the girls mostly.  I saw how bad things have gotten with the alcohol and Dick, I saw also that for the most part how they play it off pretty well, still upward mobile; they don’t seem to have money issues at all.

Saw grandma;  It was nice but hard to see her loosing her mind.

Sept. 4, Friday 2009 rated 6.5 (Burn cruise, want to fall in love and travel, getting serious about life)

Interesting day today–April called and propositioned me to take a burn cruise.  I agreed as long as she could get here and we could smoke before 1 pm (I always alot at least 3 hours to “air out” before work).  Ended up that she didn’t even get here until 1:15 or so.  We didn’t start smoking until 1:15, AND on our way from April’s parents’ house we were “caught” by April’s boyfriend, Craig.  She must have argued with him for 30 minutes!  I thought I would be late for sure, but I made it to work just on time and still a tad bit stoned.  Work went really quickly for some reason, which is great.  Went well in general too.  Tess is working on Fridays now, but it doesn’t bother me all too much anymore.

I feel a new energy lately, since I started the anti-depressant.  I feel like a new phase in life is starting for me.  I’m really happy and for the first time in a long time I feel optimistic about the future.  I’m even starting to think about the Ukraine again, would love to see that country and also see Irina again, maybe make some new friends, maybe fall in love again.  Its my next big plan, to go there, has been now for a couple years.  But, with all the problems I’ve had with drugs, I guess I was just never serious enough about it.  I feel this beginning to change, slowly.  I need to keep up with being mostly sober.  This is the key, keeping my money.  I haven’t talked to my dealer in over 10 days, and I don’t really miss him all that much– happy that he’s not getting my money anymore for sure.  Since I got paid I have spent my money on only good things:  bought good food, bought some music for the first time in a long time, and on Tuesday I’m going to be paying off one chunk of my loan with Cash in a Flash, FINALLY!  I’m going to be working hard to keep things going in the right direction.

Intake:  105 mg hydoroco oral, smoked

September 1, Tuesday 2009 rated 4.5 (Little does Matt know he has exactly 1 year to live)

Today I had no drugs whatsoever!!  I’m actually quite proud of myself for making it 5 whole days now–amil finally kicked in, and my depression has all but vanished.  I’m doing well.

Tonight was terrible at work.  I just couldn’t seem to please Elta with anything I did; she gave me the evil eye several times.  Really sucked.  I felt like I  was going to get fired all night!!  I sure hope I can continue getting good hours after tonight.

The only bad part of the day was work.  Everything else went fine.  I’m feeling much better now.  I know I’ll be getting high on Thursday and for a few days after that, but I have made a commitment not to purchase drugs, unless prescribed to me.  That should solve a lot of my problems I think.

Intake: ø, detox day 4, smoked

(God doesn’t afford us the burden of knowing the exact number of days we have here. I wonder if Matt had known this how he would have proceeded. Would this have been the impetus to completely lose himself in hedonistic behavior, or would he have started a bucket list ? To those out there, what would you do differently if you knew your day’s number, or if you knew the number of a loved one’s days? What would you do?

Would you go on a diet, like Matt did here, not really willing to shed the cocoon, become a butterfly, and eat the nectar of flowers instead of slugging along on buds and leaves? I am convinced that those who really honestly want to change cannot go on diets. Diets restrict the bad while never actually removing the need to be fed somewhat regularly. So, if you have a dream, a bucket list, a butterfly inside your cocoon, what are you doing today that you will regret if your tomorrows are cut short? If the tomorrows of your loved one are cut short?

Matt’s mom)