October 30, Friday 2009 rated 7+, communicate compel comprehension (4 yr anniversary IV use)

A great day today.  Irina called me from the Ukraine.  Any day she calls me is a good day.  We spoke for over an hour, just catching up.  She has a new boyfriend now, someone she thinks she is in love with.  She is going on a business trip to Dubai!! Amazing.  I miss her so much, and I feel great to know that she likes me enough to keep up with me. I MUST gain a second job and buy a damn ticket to see her soon!  She told me on the phone that she would be more than willing to help Renee out upon her arrival in Kyiu.  Great!

Work was busy. Tess (that miserable B**ch) left after only an hour because she was “sick”.  Sounds off-hand like some bullshit to me, but I really should just put all of that out of my mind, think neutral and nothing about her.  Athena is a trooper; she was off the side of the kitchen throwing up into a can at one point, and she never even thought of asking to go home. Some people know how to work; some people just don’t get it.

Traded Athena some vikes for a few bowls—the stuff is amazing, one of the best I’ve ever smoked.  One hit really does it.

I once again have the thought in my head of pulling completely out of trouble, get that second job and go to the Ukraine!!!

Intake: 2(50 mg hydroco oral, smoked great weed)

*Today also marks the 4 year anniversary of me beginning my journey into IV drug use.

October 18, sunday 2009 rated 5

Today ends a crazy week.  I was using opiates all week, but I managed to only spend about $70 all told out of this last pay-check.  I paid off a chunk of my loan at cash-in-a-flash, and just generally spent my money on bills this week.  I’m quite happy and proud of myself–I exercised some real control over this damn habit, plan now to keep going in this direction taking little steps that lead to bigger things.  First with my money I gotta get that damn pay-day loan paid off.  Then I’m getting my license assessment and getting my damn licence back. After that I’m buying myself off probation, and then getting a car.  After I’ve achieved all that I’ll be moving with Renee to Madison and hopefully get the balls to finish my education.  Almost forgot my trip to Ukraine, that’s in the works still.  I’ve let so much time slip away, it’s unbelievable to me.

I have been doing an awesome job at the restaurant lately, and I am  now the top guy in the kitchen, and I’m going even higher than that.  I’ve found a new energy since breaking my addiction and depression at the end of August.  I’m still using but every week I bring it a little more under control. The anti-depressants really help the whole situation–need to stay up on those for sure.

I don’t know what’s up with April; I hope everyday that I don’t suffer some type of retaliation from her, but if she finds out about me answering questions I’ll be getting some retaliation I’m sure.  I hope the best for her, and myself; I need to get completely clear too.

Intake: 30 mg morphine EV, 50 mg hydroco oral, 7th

Matthew climbing that mountain….

straight day of using*BAD!!!

Sept 20/21/22, 2009 Sunday to Tuesday rated 4 (Spared no expense to get high, hit the ground hard)

 

I have been completely out of control these last few days with all of the drugs; I have spared no expense, just started shooting everything in sight from oxies to morphine to methadone… I missed work for the first time ever today because I was ” sick”, actually just too high to make my shift.  I really hit bottom hard this time.Intake morphine, OC methadone, smoked

Sept. 22, Tuesday 2009

April is falling apart too, showed up at my place again just f**ked up and out of her mind.  I got pretty f**ked up too.  I’ve been depressed and have just hit the ground so hard this time around——–Free fall.

Intake:  oxyco IV, suboxone, somoked

How Big Pharma Hooked America on Legal Heroin: The OxyContin Files | Motherboard

How Big Pharma Hooked America on Legal Heroin: The OxyContin Files | Motherboard.

The above link is too an article that links the pharmaceutical industry with the irresponsible unleashing of synthetic heroin for the sake of profit.

You really should read this article. It’s long, but here is a snipet:

To cement the brand’s reputation among doctors, Purdue conducted more than 40 national pain-management and speaker-training conferences at resorts in Florida, Arizona, and California between 1996 and 2001. They invited over 5,000 physicians, pharmacists, and nurses to these all-expenses-paid symposia. Many were recruited and trained for Purdue’s national speaker bureau. Purdue offered starter coupons offering a free 7-30 day trial of their medication, a practice that’s common among pharmaceutical companies for everything from skincare medicine to contraceptives. OxyContin became an instant hit among doctors, many of whom saw it as a wonder drug in the battle against the debilitating effects of chronic pain. As the good news spread sales of the drug mushroomed, rising from $40 million in 1996 to more than $1 billion in 2001, outstripping even Viagra. Meanwhile, Purdue’s campaign to extend the use of powerful narcotics to ordinary chronic ailments – for which the drug has been well documented to help – proved highly successful. By 2003, over half of the OxyContin prescriptions written in the United States were written by a primary care physician.

Sept. 5 and 6, Sat. and Sun. 2009 rated 5 (lounged around napping, roommate nice)

Saturday. Intake: 40 mg hydroco oral

Sunday.

Uneventful day today.  John was in a good mood, finally got over the break-up, I think.  First time he’s been genuinely nice in a few months.  I lounged around all day, eating vikes and napping on and off.  Relaxing, nothing more substantial than that.

Intake:  65 mg hydorco, oral

Sept. 4, Friday 2009 rated 6.5 (Burn cruise, want to fall in love and travel, getting serious about life)

Interesting day today–April called and propositioned me to take a burn cruise.  I agreed as long as she could get here and we could smoke before 1 pm (I always alot at least 3 hours to “air out” before work).  Ended up that she didn’t even get here until 1:15 or so.  We didn’t start smoking until 1:15, AND on our way from April’s parents’ house we were “caught” by April’s boyfriend, Craig.  She must have argued with him for 30 minutes!  I thought I would be late for sure, but I made it to work just on time and still a tad bit stoned.  Work went really quickly for some reason, which is great.  Went well in general too.  Tess is working on Fridays now, but it doesn’t bother me all too much anymore.

I feel a new energy lately, since I started the anti-depressant.  I feel like a new phase in life is starting for me.  I’m really happy and for the first time in a long time I feel optimistic about the future.  I’m even starting to think about the Ukraine again, would love to see that country and also see Irina again, maybe make some new friends, maybe fall in love again.  Its my next big plan, to go there, has been now for a couple years.  But, with all the problems I’ve had with drugs, I guess I was just never serious enough about it.  I feel this beginning to change, slowly.  I need to keep up with being mostly sober.  This is the key, keeping my money.  I haven’t talked to my dealer in over 10 days, and I don’t really miss him all that much– happy that he’s not getting my money anymore for sure.  Since I got paid I have spent my money on only good things:  bought good food, bought some music for the first time in a long time, and on Tuesday I’m going to be paying off one chunk of my loan with Cash in a Flash, FINALLY!  I’m going to be working hard to keep things going in the right direction.

Intake:  105 mg hydoroco oral, smoked

Augus 27, Thursday 2009, rated 3.5 (Very depressed)

Had the day off today, but it was still horrible.  I felt terribly depressed all day long, felt like crying most of the day also.  I thought I had enough narcs to get off real good, but it didn’t satisfy all day for some reason.  I felt something strange, a twinge of AS creeping in.  It shouldn’t start until tomorrow or Saturday.  I think it’s all in my head really; this depression is playing tricks on my damn mind.

Talked with mom today.  I’ll be going home Sept 13th!! Hope I can get clean by then, or stable on something, but prefer clean.  It’s going to be super hard.  I start tomorrow, and I figure at the rate I’ve been going through the summer it will take me about 7 or 10 days to get completely off. That’s 7 to 10 days of being just god-awful sick.  I started taking the amitriptylene today, for withdrawal as well as depression.  Hope tomorrow is better.

Intake:  100 mg oxyco, 10 mg hydroco, 400 mg propxyplene, oral