Christmas 2009, depressing.

Photo: Matt age 3

December 21, Monday, 2009 (5/10)

Boring day, except that I made my way to Cindy’s because I was so depressed.  She took pity on me and gave me 5 perks, which changed and brightened my day.

I’m coming to discover how deeply addicted to opiates I am, no matter how many sober days I put together I always end up falling apart and moving backwards.  I need to approach it from a better direction I think.  Somehow I really need out.

The winter is so very cold.  I cannot wait until it ends.

Intake: 50 mg oxyco oral

December 22, Tuesday, 2009 (5.5/10)

Today, shot down on I raise at work.  I asked for a raise a week ago, and today I was told “No, economy is bad. Obama will kill us with healthcare taxes.” Bullshit!!!  They have more than enough money to pay me $9/ hour like they should for running that damn kitchen.

John has been in a good mood lately, but I have been “hiding” from him nonetheless.  Don’t really know why I have been avoiding him, but I do, and it isn’t very healthy.

And Christmas will be depressing this year.  I’m thinking about the end of the decade, and I’ve damned near wasted the whole thing!!!

Intake: Ø day 1

December 23, Wednesday, 2009 (6/10)

Found my red pen!!  Great for journal entries that find me using opiates.  I hope to use it not as much in the coming months and years.

Cindy gave me quite a scare today.  I was supposed to go to do her floors for her today; when I called Lenny answered and told me he was rushing Cindy to the hospital because he thought she was having a stroke.  I got super worried, but it turned out later that she merely had a bad reaction to a new medication she was given for headaches, Topamax, or something like that.

The other day Cindy told me that April had been arrested and would be in jail for a while.  From what I’ve gathered she got all fu**ed up (opiates) and missed a corner, took her car into the ditch.  It seems she wasn’t injured too badly, but police arrived and she was arrested.  She most likely has new charges as well as they sign a revocation and going back to prison for some more of her sons.  It’s really a damn shame; she is too beautiful to be such a horrible junkie.  She already has done two years in prison, and she is facing a lot more time.  I bet that she will be sitting in county for a long time, and if they don’t send her back to prison, she will most likely be transferred to a very secure in-patient treatment for more than a few months.  Sad, sad tale.  I’ve rarely met anyone with this bad of a habit as she has.  It’s just such a severe drug problem, incredible.

I hope that my fate is never the same. I run the same risks for fucking around with dope like I do, but right now my habit barely compares with anything “problematic”, at least not socially, not yet anyways.  I wish I had never tasted opiates, that I could simply put down the needle forever, but it’s proving to be so very hard; still I fight, still a struggle, one day I will win!

I got my vikes filled today, probably the last refill I’ll get on those until my doctor comes back from Florida, which I don’t know when that will be.  I have a very powerful lust for opiates lately, more than is normal for the past few months.  I was (and still am) furiously trying to find something that I can inject, that’s what I’m looking for tonight and all day tomorrow.  I have the cash.  It’s only a matter of time now until someone connects with some “shotgun shells,” as I like to call them.  Still don’t know what I’m doing for Christmas.  It’s either with Cindy and her family or alone with my pills.  I’d almost rather be fucked up alone, we’ll see.

Intake: 1(95 mg hydroco, smoked)

Do you feel like Matt? Why?

(I remember calling Matt this year, but never did he mention any of these thoughts. I imagine we often do not tell people how we really are feeling when asked, “So, how you doing?” I would like to change that canned phrase by telling people that I ‘really’ want to know, and I have to time to discuss the depth such a question entails. Matt’s mom)

November 2, Monday 2009 rated 5

I’ve had enough.  I’ve had enough drugs; I’ve had enough heart-break; I’ve had enough of playing the loser.  I want out; I want out now!!!  Tomorrow I’m hitting the pavement hard to look for a second job.  When I find that job, I’ll work my ass off until I get enough money to go back to Europe, if I haven’t gone to Ukraine, back to Poland and seen Pela again.  By Nov. 2nd next year I’m going to end my life;  I really will; if I can’t make something this simple happen by then, I’ll do the un-thinkable. Better to DIE than to go on living like this, never achieving anything, always just being satisfied with survival.  No more.

I’m real emotional tonight because I have just seen some pictures of Pela from her trip to Italy.  I find it impossible to believe that 3 years later I still find fire in my soul for this girl.  I wish it was gone.  I wish there were some way to extinguish this feeling, but no–it creeps up into the very depths of my soul; it is extended there.  Why?  Why?  Why? What exactly does the future hold now with this?  BE GONE!!

I hereby RESOLVE to have traveled to Europe by this time next year.

Intake: Ø day 1

November 1, Sunday 2009 rated 5

Went to church today with Jason from work.  It was actually quite nice; went out to eat chicken after that, just had a grand old time

Got home from that quite sleepy, took a nap, and then walked over to Pat’s place, smoked some weed with him; just took it easy.

I can feel something inside now, everyday I believe that I get a little more un-comfortable with my situation; everyday I get a little more comfortable with change.  The change I need to make in order to be happy again, it’s coming; it’s coming soon.

Intake: 4(55 mg hydroco, oral, smoked)

  • Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the last time I spoke to Pela.

(For those who do not understand, Pela* is the girl from Poland who Matt loved deeply. Matt remembered dates in an unexplicable way. He remembered the day grandpa did whatever, the day on the calendar that he lost his virginity, the day that someone died, left, or first said hello. He marked the calendar of his life with every moment of important memories. He marked his days. Though this whole debacle may not seem that he valued them, conversely, he valued them highly and each individual who marked his life was marked for ever on the day of the arrival/departure in his mind forever, not written but remembered.

I should be more like that. I forgot my own birthday several times. But, Matt never did. I still have the chop sticks and Last Supper Plate he bought for me to mark those days. I guess we should all learn to mark our days.)

October 31, Halloween, Saturday 2009 rated 4.75

I was in a sour mood all night at work; didn’t really say anything to anybody all night long.  People were dressed up, and everyone had plans to go out and party somewhere.  I came home, smoked a bowl and listened to music by myself–went to bed early.  Hell of a night.  I could have gone out and done something with Pat. I hadn’t the motivation to do so.

I take these breaks every two weeks or so, breaks from my antidepressants.  I really notice the depression creep back in, especially if I’m smoking weed.  I go off of it because if I partied my vicodin with my TCA, I wouldn’t be able to wake up  in the mornings!!! I’ve thankfully been able to reserve myself to just my vikes this week and only $36 cost–half of last paycheck’s total.  I’m just itching to go to Ukraine and do something worth bragging about.  I have a plan and now I am moving more steadily towards it.  I need to  be proud of who I am once again, need to be worthy once again of a woman’s love.

Intake: 3(50 mg hydroco oral, smoked)

October 30, Friday 2009 rated 7+, communicate compel comprehension (4 yr anniversary IV use)

A great day today.  Irina called me from the Ukraine.  Any day she calls me is a good day.  We spoke for over an hour, just catching up.  She has a new boyfriend now, someone she thinks she is in love with.  She is going on a business trip to Dubai!! Amazing.  I miss her so much, and I feel great to know that she likes me enough to keep up with me. I MUST gain a second job and buy a damn ticket to see her soon!  She told me on the phone that she would be more than willing to help Renee out upon her arrival in Kyiu.  Great!

Work was busy. Tess (that miserable B**ch) left after only an hour because she was “sick”.  Sounds off-hand like some bullshit to me, but I really should just put all of that out of my mind, think neutral and nothing about her.  Athena is a trooper; she was off the side of the kitchen throwing up into a can at one point, and she never even thought of asking to go home. Some people know how to work; some people just don’t get it.

Traded Athena some vikes for a few bowls—the stuff is amazing, one of the best I’ve ever smoked.  One hit really does it.

I once again have the thought in my head of pulling completely out of trouble, get that second job and go to the Ukraine!!!

Intake: 2(50 mg hydroco oral, smoked great weed)

*Today also marks the 4 year anniversary of me beginning my journey into IV drug use.

October 28, Wednesday 2009 rated 5 (Want to strive for more, more, more)

Today was all right.  I got paid ($455), my biggest check ever from the restaurant.  Sad part is that it’s already gone to food and bills!!  I bought my vikes out, $36, and that’s the extent of the money I’ll be spending on drugs for the next 2 weeks—good for me.

I got pretty f**ked up today.  Smoked with Pat and ate some vikes; later Athena came over and we got really ripped.  Ate some more vikes, went shopping for food, an average day.

Even though I was getting high and spending time with friends, I noticed that I had the most depressed feeling though.  I thought this was strange.  I think that very slowly my mind and subconscious is turning against this lifestyle I’ve been living.  I need to move on to greater things.  I must make a complete change.

It’s important, I think, not to become content with my progress and instead continue to strive for more, more, more.  I’ve been seeing light at the end of the tunnel lately, even though I sometimes wonder if I possess the strength to reach it. One day, God willing, one fine day….

Intake: 60 m hydroco, oral. smoked A LOT. 2 beers