Tuesday 2009, 20 mg valium, Wednesday 30 mg valium, Thursday smoked and 40 mg valium, Saturday Ø
A great week at home, if not for it being absolutely crazy. I kept sober. I used valium for once or twice a day, and it helped keep me level.
Dick and Mom are now undoubtedly broken. I spent a lot of time with Dick drunk; It’s horrible to see them in this shape. It makes me depressed. I can tell they are both miserable, and really want out–but don’t quite know how to get out.
The kids seemed happy and well-adjusted. The foster child, Mikayla, is quite bright, thoughtful, and polite child–has a lot of potential.
I hated coming back from home today. I didn’t take my TCA (anti-depressant), so I was craving opiates like crazy! The first thing I did was walked to my dealer place. He had nothing, but April sold me half and 80, which I actually snorted, along with smoking a bunch of weed. Oh, before April came over I went to Pat’s (future roommate) and smoked a whole bunch of dope, with the upstairs’ neighbors too. Even got a couple of 40 oz High Life and drank that. The urge to get completely intoxicated was strong after seeing my mom’s husband they way he was. I don’t know why, but I threw 10 full days of sober out the window the minute I got back to Oshkosh. Need to find a better way because this plan of mine just isn’t working.
I totally f**ked my Caprice up by trying to get it out of the forest. Too bad. I almost wanted to keep it, but instead I got $160 from _____. He gave me $140 up front, and the next time I come back to ______ he’ll give me the other $20 and catch me a buzz, great to look forward to.
Didn’t get to see any of my friends. Mom was out of her mind on that one too. (I refused to let him go visit friends. Adamant about this being a ‘home’ trip and not a ‘party’ trip with a place to flop, I laid down the law. I was really good at that…, uhgh. I was really Nazi about the whole trip being about visiting and not re-visiting …. However, I did know full well that a trip home meant a trip back into temptation. I was just so careful not to allow for an easy slide down into the depths. Little did I know he was already deep in the mud. This is probably because I was fighting my own battle with the new husband’s mud. After what he said were years of sobriety ended up being days after the ‘I do’s”. I had my hands full, full of mud. Matt’s mom) Overall, I worked hard, hung out with Dick and the girls mostly. I saw how bad things have gotten with the alcohol and Dick, I saw also that for the most part how they play it off pretty well, still upward mobile; they don’t seem to have money issues at all.
Saw grandma; It was nice but hard to see her loosing her mind.