Today I betrayed myself yet again. I rushed off and bought yet another 40. A complete repeat from last month, 165 dollars down the f**king tube yet again. Something is different though. This time I have a genuine feeling of disgust, of failure and shame. This time I wasn’t physically addicted, it was only my mind this time, I completely betrayed myself. Sick, I feel sick, and sad, and down. The OC didn’t make me feel any better this time, it was terrible feeling. I got so angry at myself that I broke every one of my needles, threw them all way–the one bright spot in the day.
I’ve just realized, right this second, that the junkie thing just isn’t working anymore, not at all. I am a ruined individual–I have no real friends, I don’t have a real job despite being moderately intelligent, I haven’t been to Ukraine or back in school, I feel like shit all of the time just trying to live with myself. THIS STOPS NOW. THIS ENDS BEFORE MY REAL LIFE BEGINS.
Intake: (40 mg oxyco IV F**K!)
(I wonder who has been through this also, this feeling of absolute failure. I also wonder why addicts are not given empathy if not simpathy. Why would anyone curl his lip at someone who so wants to be free? Is the reason possibly due to the degree of judgment already leveled at addicts? Is this man really so hard to hug?
Our society would throw cuffs on him and a label–criminal. Yes, what he is experiencing is criminal. He was given opiods at a young age. Someone should go to jail for that. ….