Got some Chantix from Bill this morning and brought it to Cindy; she was delighted I think. I kinda buried the hatchet the her, for now. I hope she sees that she is wrong, but it doesn’t matter. I’m just going to leave things where they lie hope it wont explode on me again!
Today is mom’s birthday! I tried calling her to wish her well, tell her just how much I love and miss her, but she was busy with so many guests and we couldn’t talk long or candidly. Too bad, maybe tomorrow I will catch her not busy.
Went to the food pantry for the first time in my life today. Got 26 pounds of different and wonderful stuff. Thanks to mom’s suggestion! God helped me out today; thank You God for providing for me today, and thank You for the wonderful and kind-hearted people who make it happen.
Found out also that my morphine connection is gone. In its place is now methadone, which scares me because it’s a much more powerful beast, harder to get off. On the plus side I won’t have needle marks showing much anymore, and methadone lasts longer too. We’ll see how this turns out.
Hung out with April today too.
Intake: 60 mg. morphine IV, 5 mg. methadone, oral
(I need to turn to the readers of these journals for an answer: Was Matt correct on accessing that Methadone is more powerful and harder to get off? I have heard this and also see that many struggle just as hard or harder to get off Methadone. Should heroin be given instead and just tapered down instead of giving a long-lasting high that does not provide the down time for stabilizing the mind to reality? I have like no idea as I am not a drug user–all opioids make me so sick. Morphine gives me the grandest migraine you could ever imagine and oxys make me break out in hives. Too bad for me, I just tough it out on ibuprofen and Tylenol combined, and am living proof that it can be done (bladder surgery and a catheter for 10 days, esophagus surgery, bone graft from hip to finger…. Don’t get me wrong, it so sucked, so sucked like so so so bad. But, at least God granted me a gift of allergy.
I remember this birthday too as I couldn’t visit with Matt much–several people were going fishing with me as I love to fish. We were all ready to head out when he called. He sounded so forlorn but positive. We mostly just set up when he would come up to visit in the next week. If I had it to do again, to Hell with the fish! I have several messages on an old answering machine from Matt saying, ” Hey ma,…love ya ma.” I was such an infant of life until I met death. I should try to figure out how to put sound on a blog so you can hear his voice too. Can’t wait to hear that voice again in Heaven. If someone reading this is struggling with heroin, pills, etc., if I may suggest that you don’t do that to people you love–make them listen to a little phone message over and over and over for the next 40 years. Until some real help arrives, please consider trying over and over to just tough it out as 40 years is a long sentence for others and a death sentence for you. A lose-lose situation. There has to be a better way. A good start might be by telling people and asking for help.