Today was a stereotypical day in almost every way possible, a day I would certainly forget about if it weren’t for my trusty journal! I spent the day sitting at Aunt Cindy’s with a big knot in one muscle in my back, didn’t do much there, tried calling mom to no avail. Haven’t spoken to her in several days, which sucks. Went to work at 4, it went well. I felt melancholic all day today. I figure it’s just dealing with the flood of good memories from hanging w/ Jessie all day yesterday. I really miss home now. I’m really hating my existence in Oshkosh, wish I had some friends or something to do, poor poor pitiful me.
Today marks the one month anniversary of starting this journal. It seems that I made everyday except one–pretty good. I’m happy about it. I love my journal now, and make it a priority to write it everyday before I go to sleep.
On the following page I will tabulate my drug intake for the month.
Intake: 20 mg oxyco, oral, 400 mg propox oral
Drug intake: July 13–Aug 13
oxyco oral: 275 mg–free
oxyco IV: 160 mg–$160.00
morphine IV: 600 mg–$300.00
hydroco oral: 850 mg–$65.00
valium: 50 mg–$5.00
propox: 1000 mg–free
# of days I smoked: 11–$20.00 (? maybe)
# of “sober” days in month: 3
methadone and klonopin are negligible–$10.00
So, here I can see my intake for the first time on a monthly basis. I have extrapolated the costs from memory and current prices for the stuff where I get it, for instance, I’m going to remember the $160 I spent on 40’s because it stung. Now, I don’t think that it’s possible that I spent $560, but I believe it reasonable to assume that out-of-pocket for me was about $500 this mouth, out of around $850 total income–so, what I don’t pay in rent goes into my blood-stream. That’s so sad. The oral oxies are all from Cindy, 27 of them, quite a bit.
I NEED TO CUT THIS OUT!!
If you look at how happy Matt was in that picture, being around close family members at the dinner table, and then you look at Matt deep into his drug addiction relapse, you can give yourself a reality check on the value of getting clean and staying there. However, the voice in an addict’s head is like a very small megaphone repeating lies: just this once (once as in 10 years at a time?), I deserve it as I have been good for so long (so, being good means that you deserve to be miserable again?), I will quit tomorrow (didn’t you say that yesterday?), life without drugs is boring (true, making all those connections is very entertaining), I can’t have fun without drugs (true, handcuffs, getting AIDS, always broke, almost dying in deep nods, and all those quality friends… how does the tune go? memories…May be beautiful and yet, What’s too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget), no one will know (the coroner will tell them), and everyone’s favorite–I would be miserable for days trying to get off them (how many days of misery equals how many days of being in control of your life?).
I am rooting for everyone out there who can still read these words in hopes that you will gain some strength, knowledge, and hope for yourself and others.