August 9, Sunday 2009 rated 7 (parenting, spending, Jesus)

Today was a really wonderful day off–urgh! my nice pen won’t work! [blue ink went to black here] It started with me walking to Kelly’s this morning, smoked and got lightly buzzed.  From there I went to Joey’s house to check the situation.  Unfortunately for my self-control, I skimmed 40 more dollars from my rent and my only $20 from food just so I could get high;  My drug bill this week stands at $220!!  Now I will be paying $220 for rent next week, plus be way back in my loan payments.  My next check is gone almost–out of about $400, $280 is gone just to rent and rolling my loan, plus it’s morphine time, so next week I can forget about food again.  This is so sad.  I’m thinking of taking a “drug vacation” in order to get that damn loan paid.  Then maybe I can get out of this hole a little more, feel better about my situation for sure.  September is the time, while I still have vicodin coming in and hours, I should do it.  In fact, after I get done with my journal tonight I’m going to look at the calender and formulate a master plan!

Anyways, I was hanging with Kelly and Chad [her grandson] was over.  I feel bad for that kid.  He’s spoiled f**king rotten by Kelly, and it seems to me (just perception, I could be wrong) that Sharon [Kelly’s daughter] let’s him do whatever the f**k he wants to.  His father seems to be quite the asshole, and Chad rebels against him probably because the two women (knowing or unknowing) fill his head with shit about his guy.  I saw Chad tell his father:  “You’re not my daddy anymore,” to which his dad got pretty pissed, slowly chased him down, and probably gave him a swat and a few choice words.  I can see why Chad doesn’t like him–watching this guy (Cody is his name?) play with Chad I could see he was totally detached, just no desire whatsoever to spend ‘my’ time with this little brat, which he is.  But, at the same time no-one wants to change this kid for the better.  Kelly lives vicariously through him, and justifies the damage she does to him by saying, “I spend hardly any time with him, so what if he’s spoiled a bit with me, that’s what I have the right to do.”

That’s what my gramma said too, and although I love my grandmother with un-dying intensity, I do believe that perhaps the way she treated me had something to do with me becoming a drug user later in life.  I had no discipline with her, and I expected quick rewards and gratification, just like I do now.  I can see the same thing happening with Chad, just no firm direction, a really broken-up and convoluted family situation with people shipping him here and there when it’s one grown-ups “turn” to “fulfill” whatever responsibility they have to this accidental human being.

Such is life in America there days. No-one really cares about people in the way they should.  They don’t take pains to raise them to be balanced and principled adults. My mother tried so hard, and I think that she succeeded with me on several levels, but it is my own fault that I throw it away on a daily basis with the drugs–I think Chad will inevitably become a drug addict, probably fail at academia, and then go looking for a factory job when he turns 18, by which time none will exist.

Kelly’s whole family is really twisted.  Sharon is fairly okay because she was raised by Cindy.  I guess Kelly didn’t raise any of her own children.  She seems to avoid any real responsiblity by living off of several (3) different men.  Her life consists of jetting off to this place and that, Iowa, Madison, Rhinelander, Oshkosh, to make birthdays, parties, whatever.  She doesn’t work at all, but in each place she visits she has a male benefactor that puts up with her.  Here in Oshkosh is Dave, a really nice guy, factory worker all his life–Kelly hardly sees him; when she is around they don’t even sleep in the same room, but for some reason he pays all of her bills, buys her gas, MJ, pricey organic food, and all he gets? Well, she criticizes him and his lifestyle all the time, talks down about hin in general, but his money and his home keep her there.  She drives a nice newer car that “Derick” all but completely purchased for her. Derick is her “boyfriend” in Madison.  She really never sees him–he is such a complete asshole, full of himself, millionaire–pretty worthless.  I can’t imagine any real woman putting up with him, but Kelly can! for the money of course.  She also has a boyfriend all the way in Iowa, where she spends a majority of her time.  I’ve never met this one, but it seems like maybe this is the guy she is truly romantic with, and I hear he is violent and crazy, wow, great for her!

I’m writing a lot about Kelly, mostly because her personality and what she does makes me a little sick.  The very worst part is that Kelly is one of the most self-righteous and hypocritical people I know.  She is terribly judgemental, and has gotten quite fierce and heavy-handed with me on several occasions, which just pisses me right off.  She hasn’t for a while, so everything I am writing today is true feelings, not motivated by anything emotional, just simply observation and logic.  I hang with Kell because she can be fun in a superficial type way, she always gets me high (one of my main motivations for even putting up with her at all), and I suppose in this way I am using her. Now I am the hypocrite!  Not really, but a little.  I strive to be better connected to her, but her mind is so twisted, her convictions and her opinions are so incredibly ignorant, a product I think of a simpler mind, and a deeply damaged persona.  As I mentioned in last Thursday’s entry, she lives her life in fear of just about anything that kills, especially bacteria.  She also eats organic food and takes tons of supplements completely out of fear.  Her decision making part of her personality is quite easily swayed by 300 word newspaper articles and Michael Moore “documentaries” (hehe, yeah right).  She takes everything at face value, never ever bothering to fully investigate anything or even to think deeply for any span of time.  These things bother me, but not enough to actually dislike her, I like all types of people, ignorance will not exclude anyone from my circle.  I just don’t like being judged by her because it’s so insane coming from her.  She should feel bad for bringing that Damn Shawna into our lives.  We found out later that Kell was having a lesbian relationship with her, but that whole situation just shows how incredibly clouded Kelly’s mind is, how foolish and weak she is.  I wonder how much longer we will have that contact?  I really wonder if at some point her house of cards will tumble down.  She has many good qualities–she is kind and giving, pretty also, especially for a woman of 50 years old, but in my mind she will not change, unless she finds Jesus, she is way too old to change at this point.

John also got back from his trip.  Went to Wisconsin Dells for four days to celebrate his 32nd birthday with his girlfriend.  She ended up breaking up with him.  He insists that he did nothing wrong, but then again he never sees when he does something wrong.  He is always correct in his mind.  In fact, a lot of the difficulties I have with him arise from him trying to apply his “correctness” to me, or situations I may be (even distantly) related to.  He is a pretty selfish guy naturally.  He sees none of his flaws, but he’s been living by himself for several years with no real way of gaining feedback on any of his actions.  I certainly don’t, not my place.  I try my best to be friends with him, but his natural self-centeredness always sabotages any type of friendship we may have developed.

Not that his girlfriend is any better.  I didn’t know her too well, but she definitely exhibited a unique “fat girl” type of personality.  Loud and opinionated, she was nice to me, cordial anyways, but I didn’t care for her.  They had a pretty healthy physical relationship, which I was audio-witness to on many a late night! Gross!

Anyways, John is all broken up, says he’s going to mope for “years” alone.  He pouts like a damn child who hasn’t gotten its way, this too is really sickening to me. I can feel now that he may be passively taking out his frustrations on me for the next few weeks. The way things look now, I am starting to think more about moving out, leaving this damn guy to his lonely, self-centered self.

God, deep down I just feel really badly for all the people I’ve written about tonight.  If I were the praying type I suppose I would pray for them, maybe I will tonight.  Pray that God lifts their afflictions from them, heals them and brings them to the gates of heaven.  I hope I can turn things around and one day be with those I love in Heaven above, deep inside it’s what I really want–to be good in Jesus’ eyes, to be whole and strive for the right things in this short life we all live.

Well, that’s it! My longest entry yet! I really love this journal.

Intake:  120 mg morphine IV, smoked

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