So, today, with money in my pocket I scored 2 more 40’s, bringing my drug bill for this check to a whopping $160 total. That’s out of a $408 check. In order to do it I had to clip 20 from my rent, roll over my little Payday loan, which I really just needed to pay off, and only allocate $24 to food for 2 weeks. I’m deeply troubled over my expenditures. I’m getting into a deeper hole with each passing month, and it’s ALL over drugs; without drugs I would have enough money for everything I want, my license, car, food, anything–but because I’m into opiates I can’t handle money at all, and it really sucks. I’m surprised I can ever pay my rent these days, let alone buy food at all.
Work went well, the whole kitchen worked in unison all night and things rolled smoothly. The whole “I wonder if Matt is a Junkie” thing has passed over, thankfully.
There was also a terrific lightening storm outside tonight, just beautiful, intense. It struck close to the house several times with a loud report that shook the bones, just great!
Intake: 80 mg. oxyco IV, 80 mg. Concerta oral
(Looking at that horribly candid picture, I realized that I have that ring on this finger (last thing removed before he was buried and hangs on a chain I carry still), I use that shirt still, my daughter has those glasses, and I kept that drinking glass even though it doesn’t match mine, but it was found by his bed by the police with water still in it.
I remember this day as Matt and I had one of those Mom talks about his complaints concerning money. It was one of those sparring contests with dodging and fencing moves as I helped him realize that I just wasn’t buying it. He ended up not buying it either as the convo ended with Matt admitting that he should not have money problems. As I have read his journals in entirity, and you have to wait for my slow typing, I can say that he does have great moments of courage and victory coming. He has a short lived and wonderful victory to come. That’s one reason I keep those little memory pieces listed above: they are my reminder of his victories. I’m working on my own victories too: those who need a big hug and a place to feel the warmth of acceptance along with snatching the nuts off of Big Pharma.
Thanks for reading Matt’s bit of ink,