August 5, Wednesday, 2009, rated 7/10 (work, darvocet, raise)

I awoke this morning to a phone call from Joey telling me that there were easy 40’s around, with the right cash that is.  I knew I was SOL in this instance because I won’t have cash till tomorrow.  I tried talking credit, but it was useless.  Too bad.

I then walked over to Aunt Kelly’s, haven’t seen her in a few weeks.  We smoked of course, and I told her that sick little saga about work–she ended up letting me take 3 darvocet, which was the only way I was even able to function today, thank goodness.

I retreated home, stoned and just feeling generally ugly, bad about everything.  I got a call to come to work early for my evaluation, which frankly after yesterday I was dreading–to my utter surprise it went quite well!!! I scored 2nd best on that written test, AND discovered that management had seen through Tess’ little f**king game__I NOW HAVE CONTROL OF THE KITCHEN!!!  I was told by Mac that I would be getting a lot more hours as well as a small raise to $8/hr.  I can hardly believe I’m happy with that.  I used to make 9 just for cashiering.  Anyways, I was just so trilled that Tess finally got put in her place.  I was victorious and they saw through the BS and into the fact that I work harder for them than anyone else in that place, and now I have full-time hours to show for it.  Little steps, little steps.

I didn’t feel the best physically today, but the good news from work really made me forget my body, forget about the AS (abstinence syndrome).  The Darvocet really helped the different systems in my body.  I’m surprised they don’t use this for treatment, no euphoric feeling, just ease.  I didn’t take enough to solve all my problems physically, but I got by today.

Intake:  300 mg propoxyplene, oral, smoked

 

2 thoughts on “August 5, Wednesday, 2009, rated 7/10 (work, darvocet, raise)

  1. Reading Matt’s journal takes me back to the absolute Hell of my own active addiction. I look back on it and wonder how I ever made it through. I have learned more and matured more in the last two years of sobriety than I did in the 15 years I spent in active addiction. As addicts, we not only get addicted to the drugs, I think we get addicted to the lifestyle as well. We have lots of so called “friends” who use, we feel needed and God like when we are the ones with a bunch of dope for sale. All our time is occupied by using, scoring, and withdrawaling.EVERYTHING else is pushed to the side. We become slaves to our addiction. Occupying my time was so hard and important in early recovery. I had spent so much time being the best junkie I could be, I had no clue what to do with myself. It was unnerving. But, I began to fill that time with positive things: meetings, spending time with family, I went back to school, I started reading again (2 books a week in early recovery), and exercising (releasing those endorphins naturally). The thought of relapse terrifies me. I never want to go back there. When I read about Matt’s desperation for a front, it reminds me of how low and desperate I felt during active addiction and how much I wanted to die. I wish Matt had been able to recover. Reading his journal makes me take my recovery so much more serious and makes me realize what a gift it is. It just doesn’t seem fair that I’m in recovery while people like Matt and so many others were killed by this same disease and were never able to.

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    • Wow, thanks so much Angie. I wasn’t sure what posting these journals would do for others at all. I am so glad that it helps people like you reaffirm your want and need to be free and stay free. Thanks so very much for posting as I believe these comments get read a lot by others. Your story will help fuel the desire in others to get clean and stay there, right there.

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