August 1, Saturday, 2009 rating 5.5/10

Today was the last day of EAA for me at work.  Looking back the week was kinda slow compared with what they told us would happen; it just was a lot slower than I would have anticipated.

Today I helped Aunt Cindy and her husband paint their house to get it ready for the market.  They chose a banana yellow scheme for the outside, which I think is a little loud, but they like it, and that’s what matters.  I will go again tomorrow I think.

Got Joey (Matt’s dealer) on the phone today; he sounded kinda pissed that I was chillin with Baldwin the other day.  F**k him! Why should he be angry?  Whatever, I’ll probably chill with him again, in fact I aim to score a bag from him tomorrow if at all possible.

Nothing else really happened today.  I ate the last of this week’s vikes, have to hustle now until payday, or until next refill.

Intake: 55 mg hydroco, 30 mg oxyco, oral

(Anyone out there noticing the hustle theme to Matt’s life? So tiring for him. Waking up everyday just to hustle to feel normal.  I sure hope those who are getting to know Matt are starting to see that addicts really are not what they look like to the world; those lazy eyes and untucked shirts are from all the stress involved in this crazy cycle. I think they just get too tired to even care anymore what they look like to others. How could they care when they feel so very alone in their battle? If you are an addict, please don’t feel so alone. I for one care. Anyone else out there who cares, just post below. Someone may wander along looking for someone else who cares too. Hugs, Matt’s mom)

8 thoughts on “August 1, Saturday, 2009 rating 5.5/10

  1. Awesome what you are doing here! I am so sorry for the loss of your son, but I am soooo hopeful for the future of “shattering the stigma” of addiction when I read your comments. My daughter (now 19) was addicted to crack since age 15, but now has 9 months crack free…still working on being clean from pot tho. She was also diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic last year (another very misunderstood people in my opinion!). I thank you for allowing Matt’s words to “live” and speak here and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

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    • Hi Sharon,
      Thanks so much for adding your story to the list of so many out there, and sorry so much that your family is caught in this saga sweeping the world. Your comment here, along with all the rest I receive, is so reaffirming to me. I felt somewhat alone in my assessment of the stigma associated with addicts; however, all these wonderful comments are making me see that I am not alone and we can make a difference. My prayers are also with you.
      Matt’s mom

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  2. Ya, MH, most people I know that have dealt with addiction are very creative and sensitive people. Society just doesn’t know what they are missing by not seeking out relationships with those who dance in the corners. Still rooting for you!
    Matt’s mom, Jane

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  3. Thank you for caring. Most don’t. I can tell you really mean that. Most people see us as dirt bags who don’t care about anything. they don’t see the pain we are trying desperately to cover up. You said something in your last post about creative souls with social phobias and pain that we are trying to numb out with chemicals. You were speaking of me, to me. IDK exactly what I am trying to say here except thank you for your words and Matt’s. Matt was an amazing person.

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  4. Dear Matt’s Mom.
    Outstanding concept for a blog
    Truth–all in CAPS…
    And a message to any who desire help.
    God IS with you
    As you do His work.
    Amen
    Thanks!
    PEACE!

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    • Thanks so very much! The compliment is huge after seeing your blog! This is my first attempt at the whole blogging thing. I had thought of getting the journals published, but then people would have to pay to see what I believe should be free. God’s love is free afterall. Peace to you too. Hope you enjoy your long trip; 3000 miles is a long hall on a bike. But, getting to smell, feel and simply pass through all of God’s creation sounds so renewing.
      Matt’s mom

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  5. Matt’s mom is so right. You are not alone. I am an addict in recovery from opiates. I have a little over two years clean. I heard about this blog from Abby’s blog over at MyRecoveryMyLifeMyStory. I read a few posts and sat up late last night reading everything in this blog. I think it’s great that Matt’s mom is telling his story. As a mother of three, I can’t begin to imagine your pain. I can very much relate to Matt’s pain though, and I know how close I came to losing my own battle and life to addiction. Before I overdosed and went to rehab in July of 2010 all I wanted was to die. I had been abusing drugs for about 15 years at that point. I prayed for death each night and woke up mad at God to still be breathing. I was so sick, so lost, and so miserable. I finally got the help I needed and I no longer want to die. Recovery is possible and things do get better. But, they will only get worse if you continue to use. Today, I have went back to college and am studying Psychology and Sociology. I have maintained a 4.0 GPA for the past year. I am half way through my junior year and hope to work as a substance abuse counselor. It is never too late for recovery. My life is not perfect, but I am amazed in the progress I Havd made in two short years.

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    • Thank you so much for this wonderful proof that opiates are not a death sentence! I am estatic that you like Matt’s journals. I am convinced that God led his hand so that others would benefit from the truth there. Studying to help other addicts, you will be such a great warrior in this battle. Damn the torpedos! Hugs, Matt’s mom

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