July 27, Monday, 2009

Renee and Matt. so ironic, Renee’s ex-husband is taking this picture and Matt so loves Renee. They have been friends since 8th grade.

(These are not the real names as I want to protect the identities of those who may feel uncomfortable with the personal nature of Matt’s journals. Anyway, “Renee” is Matt’s constant friend from middle school and his heart-throb. They dated in MS for a bit until we moved. They wrote a bit, lost contact, and then bumped into each other during HS. Stayed in touch since. I haven’t sent this blog link to anyone at all that I or Matt knew, but I am thinking to send it to her. She is still to this day Matt’s biggest fan. Well, that picture there is her. Her ex-husband is taking the photo, a bit awkward as “Renee” laughed when she showed me the pic explaining that she was there to visit Matt for “reasons of the heart” and had to suffer the presence of the ex. Matt’s mom)

Today I got to see Renee!! Wow, it was really awesome;   I missed her a lot, but she was only able to hang around for like an hour before continuing to Madison with Levi, her ex-husband.   Something very strange happened while she was here; she was pointing out to me just how desolate, ugly, and depressing Oshkosh really is—I guess I always saw it before, but after she mentioned it , well, it really got to me.  I was depressed from that point forward.  I feel now, I realize, just like I felt in jail, trapped in a cage without ability to break out and into some other form of freedom—and it IS this place, these people who do it to me.  When I got here I was so full of optimism, so much looking forward, but now I feel so empty, so sad, so trapped.  I have just made the decision today that I will break-out of here, I will move again to somewhere nicer, better for me.  Renee has mentioned that Madison would be a good choice, and it has sparked my curiosity.  One big problem is that I’m still on supervision, with a VERY cool agent.  I’m hesitant to more anywhere that would place me under a new supervisor. because no one could possibly be as cool as Laurie.  I can hardly think that I will be able to survive here until Nov. 2010 either.  It’s a bad position to be in, which is why I feel I need the drugs. It really takes my mind off everything around me, gives me a focus point (albeit, a negative one).  What am I going to do?  Confused now, really just want to feel good.

I was just starting to feel really dope sick today, but we popped over to Aunt Cindy’s and she wasn’t home, with doors unlocked we went inside and I was able to score 3 tabs.  Feel bad about it, as always, very ashamed, but sometimes I feel as if I haven’t a choice.  I need to grow some balls and get off this shit, it’s stupid.  Also, it’s now EAA, so the restaurant is nuts, which sucks ass! Only 4 more crazy shifts to go!

Intake: 30 mg oxyco, oral

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