July 25, Sat., 2009

Walking through the jungle, age 7. Who knew that he would be walking through a more dangerous jungle at age 24.

 

A____ stopped over yet again this morning, this time just so I could fix her up.  I clipped 15 mg from her without her even knowing, so that worked out nicely.  Went to work, it was one of the busiest days I’ve ever worked so far at the flats.  Things kinda broke down there for a while.  They really have no clue as to what the f*** is gong on there, at all it seems.  It was a bad night also because A____ kinda got a little cold about helpin me out with the whole drug business; I had to limp over to J____’s and beg for a 30 mg with the last $8 I have to my name. Good thing it worked out and I staved off the sickness for a little longer.  But, tomorrow I really have not options left except dope sick.  I don’t think I have any more avenues left to my disposal; I’m broke, and now I wonder if A____ is gonna come thru with some suboxone [I couldn’t figure this word out, so if you know let me know and I will fix it, Matt’s mom.] help.  Maybe it’s better in the long run if she doesn’t; I need to kick down–or off for that matter.  It would be amazing freedom if I could just get off, get away from all this shit.  This worry about being physically sick is just the worst.  My tracks from the last week are starting to really show. I need off this shit, fast.

Intake: 45 mg morphine IV

(If you are following Matt’s journals you are maybe starting to see how very much he wanted to be free. So often in passing conversations with those who are confronted with addicts I hear their condemnation and monkey court verdicts; they really don’t realize how very much the addicts want to be free. Yes, they hold on to their addictions, and putting someone in a rehab is something like trying to force a cat in a toilet bowl–claws out and terrified. However, as I read Matt’s journals for the first time after his death, I realized how very trapped and hopeless he felt. How many others right this moment are feeling the same–trapped, worried, frightened?  Matt’s mom)

4 thoughts on “July 25, Sat., 2009

  1. Subozone,,,you spelled it right, hurts more than helps,,,just a nasty crutch but the truth is without it me and your son would have been in a lot of pain on days heroin wasnt around,,,,IM SO GRATEFUL I AM FREEEEEEEE!!! So I am not against Suboxone,,,a heroin addict lives by one rule and one rule only,,,GET OFF SICK OR DIE TRYING,,,ADDICTION,,,I HATE IT!

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    • Okay, cool. Thanks. I had not heard that word before and it was sort of written sloppy, so I didn’t think I had it right. I see you read some of Matt’s writings; thanks so much. I really am hoping that his story will help others in the same predicament. I read your story too. Just too many have a similar story. And, yes he was quite a handsome fellow, in so many ways. Can I turn to you for other like questions? Oh, most importantly, so very joyful that you made it out! Thanks for your response,
      Matt’s mom, Jane

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  2. I know from experience the dispair wanting so badly to stop and not having the will to do so. I remember as clear as if it happened yesterday, praying for death because of the frustration of losing the ability to stop using. A lot of people are under the impression that addicts use because they enjoy getting high, I know first hand that is a gross misconception. My daughter Mikhaila was brave enough to take the first steps to try to get sober just weeks before she died.

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    • Wow, Memo. Thanks so much for saying so. So many just aren’t willing to say that this is not as easy as people think. Ya, just stop using. Just not that easy, simple yes, but not easy. So glad you visit here 🙂

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