The basis for this blog

Hello,

This is Matt’s mom. Matt died in September 2010 at age 25 of a heroin/etc. overdose. I know what you’re thinking–you’re thinking, “He must have been one of those seedy types I see sleeping on park benches by day and leaning against brick walls under neon, beer signs by night.” Not Matt. He didn’t stick out in the crowd like that. There is a growing trend in heroin use that is changing stereotypical herion user. Matt was one of those statistics changing the faces associated with heroin addicts. We came from rural America; I am a teacher of 19 years, and he liked to bow hunt, study music, ride his dirt bike, travel overseas, play cards, discuss politics, read (The Daily Onion, Blake, social commentaries, Facebook…), play the guitar, and write. He loved to write and write he did. He wrote little vignettes, lists of does and don’ts, random rants, poems, and daily journal entries. So, I suspect you will find these writings quite sublime. I found them after he died yet found them full of hope. They tell of the struggles, common yet often unheard, of a hometown junkie. As I type them up I will add them here.

This is a work, in part, to allow me to express the love I have for Matt, yet to express the depth that people of all types have even when dominated by outside forces. I would like others to experience not only how expressive my son was (I struggle with the past tense, as I believe he still IS) but how in tune to reality he was . I found his conversations so refreshing and engaging, however, I find his writings additionally timeless and enlightening. Oh, how I hope for one more conversation with him. Whoever is reading this, have you ever wanted for one last chance to say something? I believe Matt wants to say one more thing. This is here for you, in hopes that this one more thing will rise like smoke to the nostrils of God and live on though his body here does not. I invite any comments at all on his writings. In whatever area of growth you are, I hope they enlighten, entertain, educate, and enbolden you further. Additionally, I would like this blog to serve as one more way of saying, “Matt, I love you still and always.” Through my tears I will type out these writings and hope that someone visits here and finds something of value.

If I may suggest, read Matt’s Story Told by Matt on the top menu. The journals show the last year of his life day by day, and I will post them as I can under Matt’s Journals.

Warm regards,

Matt’s mom, Jane

17 thoughts on “The basis for this blog

    • Hello Jana,
      Thank you for noticing my main reason for writing and posting Matt’s writings. I am hoping that people wander along and say, “Wow, addicts really are people! Maybe we shouldn’t just keep throwing them in jail and giving them huge sentences.” Thanks so much for your visit! I’m humbled actually as your blog is so overthetop good. Thank you so much for all the time you put into this same issue.

      Like

  1. Thank you for sharing your son’s journals. It must a painful process, even while it has to offer some healing. I’m at the beginning of my journey dealing with my son’s addiction to heroin. I found out 8 months ago when he overdosed. He has been using for 5 years. He’s coming to a crisis point — jail term to start on Sept 5th. I’m hoping that 45 days sober will enable him to have a clear thought for a minute at least.

    I agree with you, opiates should not be prescribed for any pain other than to someone dying of cancer. Big Pharm is evil and the bottom line for them is not the patients but the bottom line $$$. It makes me sick.

    Again, thank you for sharing. I read all your entries today and they have helped me. I’m so sorry your boy lost his battle with his disease. I was very glad to read that he did know Jesus and you will see him again someday.

    Like

    • Hello Joy,
      Thanks so much for reading this, and I sure hope it sheds some light on how addicts think and act. I’m still figuring that all out myself. As for big Pharma, I would really like to see something done about how it profits off the deaths of so very many, more than die of car accidents each year. That to me is so shocking. I had no idea that regular kids could get hooked on opiates, until Matt did. I sort of thought it was a fluke, happenstance, bad luck. Who would have thought that kids were getting hooked on opiates in little, middle class towns?
      And, so sorry that you too are finding this out the hard way. When my son went to jail I was sort of relieved as I knew he was safe, finally. Not knowing how you are feeling about your son going to jail, I will say that I am sorry and you may not be relieved. And this could be a different outcome for your boy than mine in that concern.
      Then when my son came out of rehab, wow, it was great, my boy was back. I would highly suggest a live-in rehab if you can swing it. And, if you ever need to vent, question, or anything, don’t hesitate to message me. I have you and your boy in my prayers.

      Matt’s mom, Jane

      Like

      • Thank you Jane, for taking the time to respond. I know, I too find myself thinking how the heck could this have happened?? But it is what it is and there’s no stuffing this particular genie back into the bottle.

        As for him going to jail, it will be an absolute relief. I have gotten to the place of letting go & letting God, and I know this is part of that plan.

        Thank you for sharing. It does help us all. Praying for peace and comfort for you in the times that you need it most.

        Joy

        Like

  2. I was exactly like matt. In many ways. the first time I took an opiate, I knew I was in love, and couldnt believe I had been missing ‘this’ all my life. It was like, I had found what I had been looking for. After 10+ years of addiction, spiraling outta control, IVing at the end, quiting many times, and being suicidal everytime I got dopesick, I was up against a wall with nowhere to go. So, I reached out for help, and went on suboxone therapy. It was they only way for ME, to do it. I had tried and failed miserably, so many times before. I still “kicked” on the suboxone, contrary to popular belief, its not replacing one drug for another. I was ABLE to kick, becuase of it. It helped, just enough, where I believed I could do it.
    Today, I have almost 16 months , with no relapses. Ive held my job for over a year, Ive been there everyday for my 3 yr old son, and Im proud of who I am. I cannot forget where Ive come from though. Thank you so very much for having the strength to post these. It really is a reality check for people who have no idea what its like, inside an addict’s head. it isnt fun, its a lotta work. Itsa feeling of desperation like no other. Thankyou matt’s mom. I believe you are helping matt live forever. When I have hard days, cuz believe me they still come, I’ll think of matt, and how he didnt get another chance to fight.
    I started a blog about my ongoing struggles, becuase opiate addiction in general has a relapse rate of over 90%. I cant do this alone. http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/

    Like

    • HI Amber,
      I just noticed that my reply didn’t post. Oh man, technology is not my strong point.
      Sixteen months is great! And thanks so much for thinking of Matt! As long as his work in preparing these journals helps keep people like you free, he will not have died in vain. Please visit often just to let me know that you are still standing victoriously over that dead beast’s body.
      Hugs,
      Matt’s mom, Jane

      Like

  3. Wow! I’m really at a loss as to what to write. I’m sure I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a child to anything. I have kids and am scared to death. All you can do now is exactly what you are doing, and you should be commended. Keep shining your sons light! You will bring attention to what I am convinced is one of the purest of evils in our society- opiates.

    Like

    • Pure evil is so correct as it is so perfectly accepted by so many as a necessary evil. What a crazy phrase, necessary evil. I wonder how many people out there would still ask for opiates for moderate pain if they had to first see the face of the next person to die of it. Have you seen that movie about the box that will pay a million dollars if opened, but someone has to die? That is opiates, evil.

      Like

  4. Oh, how I hope for one more conversation with him.
    Why don’t you talk to him? I know his body is gone. What about the part of him that made him move, and talk? The part that was deeper than his body, the soul, the eternal? Can you feel that at times?

    Like

    • Faith, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love. However, that does not in my opinion lessen the power of hope. My son accepted Jesus as a teen and never denied his Lordship. So, yes, I am standing on the promises of God, to quote the song. (Love that song by the way.) As for feeling that part of him, no, no metaphysical experiences from him. However, I was touched after reading your experiences. Truly God sent.

      Like

  5. I must add that I only got to read that part, his story, and then had to go do my mommy duties. I didn’t realize that Matt overdosed in 2010. I thought that the end of that piece of writing was current. I am so very sorry, as a mother, my heart is with you.

    Like

    • Thanks so much for your message. Ya, Matt had quite the upswing after treatment, which is when he wrote that piece. My favoite piece though. That was the off-drugs Matt. And, yes, I do believe parents need to be aware that there are warning signs. Mostly, I believe that synthetic opiates have no necessary presense in society. The price is just too high for so many like Matt. Did you know Mikhaila? I so feel for her loved ones. So fresh yet. But, never gets easier, just a new kind of normal.

      Like

      • Hello Matt’s mom…my name is Sarah..I’m Mikhaila’s mom from Chasing Mikhaila…this is a site that her biological father started. I must say I had never learned as much about addiction, substances, blogs, etc . since this last year; it was Misha’s last year of struggling. I appreciate the info you have up, and wanted to thankyou for sharing. This is and has been an overwhelming degree of pain n guilt for me and as much as I’d like too..the understanding of addiction is still all too new and foreign to me. I’ve never done a thing in my life; so I don’t understand the struggles, but try to understand them for the sake of my child and the prevention for the future of Misha’s other 2 siblings. As much as I try..I can’t read Matt’s journals..but I do like his “list of do’s n dont’s” especially #2 & 1…Losing a child is the most painful experience I have yet encountered n I just try to cope w/ the daily living for my kids..again..I thankyou for sharing and would like to express my heartfelt sympathy for ur loss…I dont think anyone truly can understand it until they have experienced it..so sorry..much luv n peace….Sarah

        Like

        • Hello Sarah,
          Thanks so much for the post. And, thanks so very, very much for the candid and honest expressions toward both our situations. I’m sure you, as I, never expected this outcome for our children. It’s all so very strange. I too am still trying to wrap my head around it. Still not real after almost 2 years. It doesn’t feel like 2 years at all really. It’s more like one, really, incredibly long 6 months.
          I imagine you and I could just write phathoms back and forth comparing this experience. You know,like when women get together and describe giving birth and all the guys leave, hehe? I’m just trying to take this like labor pain and not fighting it so much anymore but instead studying the pain and accepting it; it hurts less that way.
          You mentioned guilt. Wow, isn’t that its own pain on the side, like getting your leg sawed off while someone else is slamming your fingers in doors as you are trying to keep from passing through them. You don’t know which one to focus on, watching the guy cutting the leg or trying to keep your fingers out of the doors. But, the doors just keep coming and I keep holding on not wanting to go through. So, I just keep grabbing those darn door jams.
          But, I am learning not to so much anymore. Could’a should’a would’a is all really unrealistic. The other side of the door is more realistic. I am not saying that I don’t regret doing more, but I am saying that there was really no way of me knowing what to do. I guess I could have had Matt committed. We talked about that as a family. But, in no way would that have permenantly fixed the situation.
          So far, this is my take: Opiates have no reason to be produced on this planet. Those who are predisposed to their effects are left powerless in their wake. There are plenty of other pain relievers, and parents should not have to get a darn degree in psychology just to make sure their children are safe. So, really, don’t feel guilty. This happened. Bad things happen to good people ever day. I guess it was just our day.
          This may sound very stiff-upper-lip, but not so. Reading about your daughter was so very heartbreaking. I am searching for something, anything to say to make the pain less, put the platetudes are just so empty. Maybe I should just say this: I looked at your post several times and for some reason it was comforting. Thanks so very much for expressing your loss, your pain, and your empathy. It meant a lot. Maybe we could talk in person one day. I think that would be very nice.
          Matt’s mom, Jane

          Like

  6. I read Matt’s Story yesterday, following the link through Chasing Mikhaila. I was speechless. I am so ignorant of drug use, of how any person can become addicted, and reading Matt’s words made it so clear. That sentence where he says that in the 32 mile ride home he was transformed from an innocent boy, it just tugged at my heart, I almost felt as if I could see the country road outside the car window. I am the mother of a young boy, and I now realize that I must become informed so that I can see the symptoms should I ever have to, and know how to deal with the situation in a smart way. Thank you for sharing Matt’s story… and yours.

    Like

I appreciate every comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s