Boring day. Worked six hours today from 4 to 10 pm. Checked the schedule; it was like a slap in the face–45.5 hours total for the next 2 weeks, unbelievable. My poverty deepens. E____ wasn’t at work as I thought she would be. Disappointed I couldn’t do something w/her tonight. Hung out with J____ after work, smoked a bowl and split a Valium. Had a nice talk.
I’m feeling a tad bit dope sick tonight, but the real pain will start tomorrow I’m thinking. Hope I can score from A.C______, maybe, but I don’t have high hopes.
That’s it, uneventful today.
Intake: smoked, 5 mg diazepam
(J___ here is Matt’s dealer. If you are wondering about ‘dope sick’, it’s Matt’s term for the withdrawals he experienced. From his later writings I believe they are somewhat severe and actually made him sick like I get sick, with stomach pain and all.
As for A.C____, I need to be very cautious with names. She was the reason I sent him down there actually: Christian, married, stable, and versed in addiction problems having come from a family with addiction issues. She even conquered an addiction herself and was clean for years. Anyway, about a month before Matt died he told me something about the whole drop-off at her house the day he moved there. This totally shocked me and made me not trust people for face value. Okay, I’ve been aching about how to say this for days, but A.C____ had ties to family, was older, and was also using prescription pain meds for a chronic condition. She and I talked on the phone about where Matt could move so he could work and pay his fines back. Matt and I talked and he didn’t much like the idea, but free rent while he got on his feet was good. Other places just weren’t an option. You see, he lost his licence and couldn’t drive, so hometown just didn’t work. It didn’t work to the tune of 5 months. Oshkosh had busses and businesses within walking distance, AND, it had a couple of family ties versed in how to handle addicts, or so I was told. My actual relatives in the area were not an option.
Well, when I drove away, kisses and hugs given, A.C_____ immediately went to her meds, pulled them out, and gave some to Matt. “Here Matt, you want some? I know how it is. Ya, that’s okay.” Matt didn’t tell me this until he was about out of Oshkosh. At that point of telling, I think he was just trying to tell me things that I needed to know. To this day, I never confronted her about this. Why? Her tears were real. She very sincerely mourned his death. So,what good would it do? She knows. God knows. What’s done is done. Most importantly, she is living and needs to keep on. Hers tears were plenty for me. If she knew that I knew then… Maybe this is better left between her and God. I do trust God to handle this better than I can.
The question I would like answered is ‘Why would someone/anyone do this?’. Coming from an addictive past, did she want to connect, look cool, get his acceptance? Why would she do that? I am trying to figure out the culture of addiction. So, do addicts like the fact that others are also, and water each other? I am starting to think so. Less judgment in those who live in glass houses sort of mentality? If you have an answer, I would love input on this.
You may be wondering if Matt was lying. I highly doubt it as it gained him nothing. Oh, he lied to me plenty, don’t get me wrong. But, he always lied with gain in mind. And, this was said at a point when he was trying hard to explain himself to me without being asked. The last weeks of Matt’s life were spent tying to amend things, trying to enjoy the sun, trying to find peace. He told me this so that I understood just one more crazy coincidence in his life. I am still blown away by the culture of addiction. Matt’s mom )